Shit List, Part Two

October 22, 2007

Not in any order of importance, I pretty much hate them all equally.


1.) Anyone that owns a Hummer.

You can be the nicest person in the entire world and I will still think you're a prick. As long as you own that vehicle, you have an automatic ticket to doucheville. I'm sure you have a tiny weiner, otherwise why do you need to over-compensate with a Hummer? If you're a girl and you date a guy that drives a Hummer, you're not the only chick he's screwing. Pretty sure that if he lets you drive his car it's only to shut your face while he bangs a stripper.

2.) The "Can I help the next person in line?" guy that's not the next person in line:

You're standing behind me in line at Walmart (I freaking loathe Walmart BTW). I've got my Dr. Pepper and Tylenol in my hand and you've got a cart full. When the clerk asks "Can I help the next person in line", you just assume she's talking to you. If you were any sort of decent human being you would just wait your turn and let me pay and get the hell out of this armpit of a store. But, no, you just trotted your selfish ass over to her as if I were invisible. I held my tongue this time (because I'm a giant P-word), but next time you will wait your turn or I will chop your nuts off and spoon feed them to you.

3.) Kirk's friend Heather:

I saw the text: "2 gurls wanting to party. U game?" that you sent to my boyfriend at 3:30 am. He doesn't want a dirty pune like you, he has opted for someone that has some class. I know you guys were "friends" back in the good old days, but that's not friendly behavior, that's a booty call. So in my book, you're a whore that I will be keeping my eye on. I've warned you once before, and I won't be warning you again.

4.) Lindsay Lohan:

You're just as bad as the twit I was previously talking about. Just because you have money and looks (which BTW, if you keep smoking, drinking, and coking it up will fade faster than your career) doesn't mean you can break up an engagement while you're bored in re-hab. Maybe if you kept your legs closed and your mouth shut you can salvage what's left of your sad existence.

5.) My upstairs neighbor:

What possesses you to use your ab roller at 5:30 am every morning directly above my bed? Is it because you've lost your mind? Well, maybe I can perform a lobotomy on you and find out. I'm going to steal your cat and boil it you sad little man.


6.) Cock-O-the Walk patrons and bar staff.

Thanks for being so caring and considerate when my best friend is having a seizure and we obviously need help getting her out of your shitty bar. Stopping and starring at us is a fantastic way to help. I hope you're treated with the same respect when it's your turn to be in a bad situation. A full house of frat guys and not one helping hand? I hope karma slams a fatty in your butt.