Emily Makes a Porno

September 11, 2007

Kirk called me last night. This was not your typical "How was your day baby?" phone call that I'm used to. I could tell by the tone of his voice that something was wrong. I ask "You sound funny, are you O.K.?" and he says "No."

My first thought: someone died.

Second thought: He's breaking up with me.

Third thought: Did I leave my curling iron on and burn a hole in his couch, again?

Me: "You're freaking me out a bit sweetie, what's the problem?"

Kirk: "I'm going to ask you a question and you have to be completely honest with me. I found out something and I have proof so you can't lie about it."

Lump stars forming in my throat and my stomach drops into my butt.

Me: "Of course, ask me, I wouldn't lie baby." (which by the way is totally true, if I'm busted I'm busted. Call me crazy but I'm a believer in honesty and trust)

Kirk: "Have you ever been in a porn?"

Me: "Uh, no, I haven't. Why?"

Kirk: "I went to this armature porn site and I found a video of you. It's you, I'm positive. She sounds like you, acts like you, and looks like you. It's you."

Me: "Well, being as I'm 100% positive that I've never done amateur porn, or any porn for that matter, I'll humor you…where am I? Who am I with? Do I have any piercings or tattoos?" (which, btw, I don't)

Kirk: "It's on a bed. I can't really see your face but you have longer hair than you do now, it's really long like down to you butt. It's curly, and you still have your bangs. The guys a redheaded skinny fucker with an eyebrow ring. I can't watch this anymore, that's you. That's you! I can't believe this *sigh*"

Me: "Ok Kirk. A: last time my hair was that long was when I was in 11th grade-I was still a virgin at that point. B: Never dated a redheaded guy C: Never dated a guy with an eyebrow ring C: So put those two together, I've definitely never dated a redheaded guy with an eyebrow ring. Is there anything on her that would be a giveaway? Like piercings or tattoos?"

I'm getting rather irritated that I have to defend the fact that I DON'T DO AMATEUR PORN MOVIES to my boyfriend who should know me better than that by now.

Kirk: "She has a belly ring. Did you ever have a belly ring?"

Me: "No."

Kirk: "Oh, well, maybe this isn't you then. But it looks just like you, I still can't believe it. *pause* (in a whiny voice) Will you come over baby? I need you to watch this and ease my mind. I'm still freaked out. "

So I go over to his house and of course call my girls and tell them what a tard-o-delux my boyfriend is. I get there, and he gives me a big hug and is obviously upset about this whole thing (which is sweet that he cares so much but it's also a little icky). We sit down and he starts the video.


First of all, you can't even see her face, but I know right off that's it not me because:

My boobs are bigger (pah-leeze, you'd think of all people HE would know this) and not all pancaked out.

-My hips are bigger

-My hair isn't white-trash-perm-a-fried, kthnx.

-I don't have a naval ring, and she clearly does (close up cum shot on the belly proves this)

-She says really, really disgusting things that almost made me blush. He should know that's not me because I'm not a dirty pervert like she obviously is.

Me: "Seriously? No, but seriously? I'm leaving."

Kirk: "No, don't leave. I'm sorry, she just looks so much like you, and sounds like you, it was hard to watch."


He then lifts up my shirt and checks my belly button for a hole….

Me: "See baby? No hole. Not me. Can we go get something to eat now? You're definitely buying."

Kirk: "OK, sorry baby. I believe you. I was just freaking out because some dude was screwing my bababababy. *gives me a hug* I love my baby."

Me: "Aww, that's sweet…and weird."


I then proceed to email the URL to my girls, it's just too funny not to. It also makes me wonder how much porn he is watching if he comes across one of "me".

Boys...they should come with a manual.