Reasons Why We Shouldn't Move In Together

August 22, 2007

My "boyfriend" doesn't think we should move in together. Here are his cited reasons:

I've become "lazy"

Meaning I don't clean up after him every second. Excuse the piss out of me, I have my own apartment to clean, and then after a long stressful week at work I'm expected to clean up Kirks house, too? I clean his disgusting duplex all the damn time, he's just so messy that he trashes it as soon as it's clean. Over the week piles of crap just accumulates and then I have to start the process all over again. It's love when I clean the poop smears out of the toilet. It's love when I wash the sheets that smell like his grungy ass. It's love when I wash his skid-marked undies. I do all of this out of the kindness of my heart because I know he's extremely busy (and a man) and can't clean for himself. I don't mind doing this for him if I get a little appreciation when I'm done. I don't need a big song and dance, a simple "Thank you, baby!" will suffice. So, until you show appreciation and not expectation, you will have to pick up the cheeto you let fall down your shirt and onto the floor. You have two hands asshole, pick it up yourself.

He doesn't want someone controlling him

I have a hard enough time controlling myself, thank you very much. I would love to have the time to control you, but I don't.

I'm too crazy sometimes

Why, yes, I am in fact a female. Find me a chick that hasn't thrown a hissy fit for no good reason and I'll give her a fuckin' medal. And yes, I can use PMS as an excuse. When your uterous falls out you can too!

I'm putting too much pressure on him

To my recollection, it was him that asked me to move in, not the other way around


And finally… the pièce de résistance...

He doesn't want to "lose his freedom"

I sometimes forget that the world revolves around him. My sneaky plan to trap him failed and now I can't steal any more of his freedom. I have to find other ways to fill my time, now that I have no more freedom to steal. I guess I'll have to find someone else's freedom. Freedom? Anyone? Anyone? I'm looking for a little freedom to steal over here! Jeez, can't a girl just get a little bit of a mans freedom? Plzkthnx.

I mean c'mon, who wants a clean house, home cooked meals, and sex anytime you want it? Holy shit, that's sounds ridiculous! I would much rather have a dirty house, fast food everyday, and masturbate alone.