Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire

Last night, Kirk and I were just sitting on the couch watching TV, nothing too terribly exciting. Kirks phone rings and it's his friend Jorge. You see, Jorge is getting married on Saturday, and apparently one bachelor party isn’t enough for him, he needs to go out and get wasted for his “last night of freedom” (part two). Anyways, what my stupid boyfriend doesn’t realize is that I can hear every word Jorge is saying to him on the phone (I did mention that he's stupid, right?)

Here’s how the conversation went:

Kirk: “So where do you wanna go?”
Jorge: “Let’s go to Centerfolds!” (which is a titty bar)
Kirk: “Oh, Blue Bayou, yea I know that place. “
Jorge: “Is Emily with you or something?”
Kirk: “Yea man sounds good, let’s meet up in an hour, I still gotta take a shower.”
Jorge: “Haha! You crazy son of a bitch, I’ll call you in a little while.”

Kirk realizes I’m glaring at him.

Kirk: “What baby?”
Me: “I just heard every word of what you and Jorge said.”
Kirk: “Huh?” *he realizes now that he’s been busted
Me: “I heard every word Jorge said! He said he wants to go to Centerfolds, and you tried to cover it up because I’m sitting here!”
Kirk: “I was just trying to avoid you being mad at me”.
Me: “Well guess what, I’m mad at you for lying, not going to a strip club. I could care less if you go to a strip club, as long as you’re safe, faithful, and don’t drive home drunk.”
Kirk: “Whatever, you would be pissed if I went to Centerfolds.”
Me: “No, I’m pissed because you lied. You can try to put it on me as much as you want, but the bottom line is you just tried to pull the wool over my eyes so you could sneak around to the titty bars with Jorge.
Kirk: “I’m sorry baby, I just didn’t want to make you upset. I don't like it when you're mad at me.”
Me: “Awww, well, too late. Now all I hear is ‘bullshit, bullshit, bullshit’. Why don’t you go ahead and leave, I’m sick of looking at your lying face.”

Kirk got his shower and then he went out. He said before he left that they were just going to some bar up on North side. I said I could care less what he does, it’s of no concern to me anymore. I think that hit a nerve because he called me at 1am, and texted me twice with “I love you” and “I miss my baby”. I didn’t respond. When he crawled in bed in the wee hours of the morning and tried to snuggle, I pushed him off (which is rare). I thought I might be overreacting, but then in discussing this with my friends they said I let him off too lightly. If I don't get my point across he will think he can get away with this kind of shit. So, I'm a little unsure how to handle this now. I wish I could kick it old school and hit him over the head with a frying pan to get my point accross.

I’m really not a crazy bitch, I just expect to be treated with respect and not someone he can dick around at his convenience. It hurts my feelings that he lied to me about something so insignificant. What is he lying about when I don’t catch him? Why did I fall in love with such an infantile jackass? He's making it harder and harder to see the good things about our relationship...really hard.

*insert sad face here*

"Limo Girls"

Kirk is going to his buddy’s bachelor party this weekend and I can’t say I’m not a little nervous about it. His friend Dustin, whom I normally adore, is planning to hire “limo girls” for the night. I know this because he was stupid enough to tell my friend Red about his dirty plans, and she told me because it pissed her off that he would put our guys in this kind of situation. It shows no respect for other peoples relationships, and honestly I've lost alot of respect for him because of it. Now, you’re probably wondering what a limo girl is. Well, basically it’s a nice way of saying hooker. They get paid to “entertain” rich guys for money…in a limo. Dustin said they’re a not hookers, they're just hot chicks he pays as the entertainment. Maybe they don't like the term hooker, but at the end of the day that is exactly what they are. Sexual favors for money? Yup, that's a hooker.

I trust Kirk when he says he wouldn’t touch them. But, Kirk has done some pretty ridiculous stuff when he’s drunk, so what’s stopping him from sticking his wang in a whores mouth, butt or what have you? He can barely piss in the toilet when he’s drunk, so how am I really supposed to be assured that he can keep it in his pants? And secondly, why would Dustin be renting hookers, sorry, “limo girls”, for a bachelor party? This man is getting married! He doesn’t need dirty hooker poon dangled in his face. I hate that there’s nothing I can say or do about this without seeming like a jealous, possessive bitch. Why would I be jealous of a girl that charges to have men’s dirty bits put in her orifices’? It’s pretty disgusting, degrading, and dangerous, and definitely nothing to be jealous of. I’m mostly worried that Kirk will be too drunk to realize what he’s doing, which is not unusual, and end up doing something he’ll regret. I don’t care how wasted he is, I don’t care how much pressure there is and that "everyones doing it", I don’t care about any excuse for letting a stranger do things to him that only his girlfriend is allowed to do. If I find out that anything shady happened, it's his ass.

Call me old fashioned, but what happened to just having your best buds out for a few drinks at a titty bar? Tip a few girls, let them rub their oily jugs in your face and call it good. Why hookers? Hookers are for desperate dirty old men that are bored of having sex with their prude wives. Why would a bunch of dudes out to celebrate the end of one of their friends single life want to watch each other get BJ’s? I just don’t get the appeal. Kirk is going to be the hottest dude there, so they will flock to him! He said they wouldn’t because they only want a dude for his money, and he wouldn’t show them a dime.

I warned Kirk that if he so much as touches one of them he might as well screw them because it would be all the same to me. I said to him “Those girls have had at least 500 dicks in their mouth and other orifices, so if the thought crosses your feeble mind to bust a nut in one of them, you just remember how many dirty man dicks have been up in there. Don't forget that you have a wholesome, loving girlfriend at home when one of those hookers tries to suck you.” He made a face and said “Yea, gross, hookers are nasty!” That made me feel a little better, but I’m still not a happy camper about all of this. If I so much as hear someone allude to the fact that some dirty shit went on with my boyfriend present, he will cease to be my boyfriend because that's not the kind of boyfriend I want.

Ugh, I hate hookers...

The Way To A Man’s Heart

I’ve heard that the way to a man’s heart is to keep his stomach full and his balls empty. I always thought this was a completely sexist and degrading statement. I mean, there’s more to me than awesome sex and my even more awesome cooking abilities. But maybe there is something to this....

Kirk is your typical macho, hard workin’ man. He isn’t big on the “I love You” s. Actually, I never hear that phrase unless he’s done something horribly wrong and he’s trying to stop me from walking out the door. For instance, a few weeks ago he didn’t come home all night when he said he’d be home by 11. He didn’t take a minute out of him drunken ridiculousness to call or leave me a text message so I would know he’s wasn’t dead or in jail. (I actually woke up at 6 am and called jails and hospitals.) Hours later, I get a call from him saying he got too drunk to drive so he stayed at his buddy’s house. (I know, the first thing you’re thinking is that he was with a chick, but Kirk isn’t a cheater. If he was or if I even thought he might be headed that way, I would be out so fast his head would spin). Let’s just say that it took a lot of begging and promising to keep my bags unpacked after that stunt. Sorry, got off on a side rant...

Like I said, Kirk doesn’t just give out “I love you”s on a whim. I’ve asked him why he never says it, and his response was “I love you, you know that, I shouldn't have to say it all the time. I’m not a pussy that’s going to kiss your feet and worship the ground you walk on…like your other boyfriends” It’s true, he doesn’t profess his love like the others have, but for whatever reason he is what makes me tick.

Kirk is the bread to my butter. I need him like a junkie needs crack. I still get the nervous tummy flutter sometimes when I look at him. He’s my lobster. All the love I have for him overflows into a constant string of “I love you”s that I can’t control. Usually he either smiles and gives me a kiss, says “Baby loves baby”, or comes up with some other side step to keep from saying the response I want to hear. I’ve gotten used to his lack of verbal love. He’s just not a mushy type of guy, so I cut him some slack and let him be who he be.

Last night I cooked an amazing dinner, even I was impressed with myself (pan fried pork chops with a spicy peach mustard glaze and roasted vegetables. Fuckin’ aye!) . Kirk never says a word about my food (unless he’s criticizing). I get annoyed by his silence so I usually say to him “Do you like it?” just so I can get some recognition for my achievement. He’ll nod or “Uh-huh” me, but that’s it. He took his first bite and said “Mmmm. Baby this is really good!” My heart almost stopped. I smiled and said “Thanks, it’s just something I threw together. Glad you like it!” and watched him devour it, and then go back for seconds. I felt like my skills were really appreciated (for once). After dinner, we just sprawled out on the couch like two full pigs, and he grabbed my hand. It’s a rare occasion when he holds my hand, especially when we’re just sitting on the couch doing nothing. He was being playful and sweet all of a sudden. He was trying to tickle me!?!? Weird. We then took the playfulness into the bedroom, took care of business, and then just kind of cuddled for a while (which is rare).

He was still acting oddly affectionate, which was nice but very unexpected, and then he said it. The three words I hardly ever get to hear back to back. He said “I love you” and then he kissed my shoulder. I of course responded and then we laid in silence for a few minutes, I actually didn’t really know how to follow something like that. I know you may think this is dramatic, and it probably is, but three and a half years with this man and I’ve only ever heard him say it (when he’s not in trouble) a handful of times, if that. Maybe it was the pork, maybe it was the ass, maybe it was both, but whatever it was, I definitely feel like I wiggled my way into his heart a little (and that is worth a blog in my opinion).

“House-Girlfriend”

When I was a kid, my mother worked full time as a nurse. She worked 60+ hour weeks while my dad stayed home with me (he was a college professor so he had a lot more free time than she did). He was a “Mister Mom” to me. He took me to my Girl Scouts (he was even a den mother!), coached my soccer team, went to all the PTA and school functions, and he even braided my hair for me in the morning. My mom was a presence in my life, but she was different from other moms, she was more like a dad. My mom handled the cooking, but other than that, my dad did the rest. I grew up with a man waiting on me hand and foot. I’m an only child, so I had 100% of my father’s attention and devotion at all times. I didn’t have to share him with anyone and I preferred it that way. I was and still am a daddy’s girl through and through.

Now, fast forward 10 years and take look at my situation and you can see why I have so many issues with my stupid boyfriend. I’m living with a man that is the complete opposite of my father. He runs his own business working 12 hour days during the summer time. He’s not home much, and when he is home he’s napping, eating, or doing his paperwork. There’s not much time left for me at the end of the day. He comes home and his needs are priority. I’ve gotten used to this, but I’m definitely not happy about it. I throw “temper tantrums” (to quote my stupid boyfriend) when I feel lonely, neglected, or just taken for granted. I get accused of "always being in a bad mood" and "too high maintenance" when I act like that. Go. Fuck. Yourself. I don't like being generalized like that, especially when 98% of the time I'm peaches and fucking cream. If I'm in a bad mood for an hour or so every few weeks, BFD! Everyone is entitled to a bad mood, it doesn't make me high maintenance, not even close. Sorry, got off on a minor rant...

For the past year and four months Kirk and I have been co-habitating. I’ve taken on the role of “house-girlfriend”. I don’t have the perks of a “wife” because I have no real security or entitlement. I don’t have the perks of a “girlfriend” because I can’t just chill in my own domain, paint my walls bright purple, or look like complete shit without anyone around to notice. I’m constantly on my toes as a “house-girlfriend”. I’ve had to learn to be a “good wife” (without actually being a wife) and “take care of my man” when there’s no one to take care of me (I need my daddy!). I’m learning hard and fast that if I’m going to be with the man I love, I’m going to have to put my selfish self on a shelf for now.

I clean, I do all the laundry, I cook (and when I don’t actually cook I make sure something is heated up for him when he gets in), and I take care of our dog. I’m also working full time, in grad school, and I’m working on my fitness. My lazy Emily time has been few and far between lately. With all I do for him, I don’t feel like I get much appreciation in return. I’m not looking for him to do a little dance when I clean the toilets or anything, but a simple “Place looks good, baby!” would suffice. I feel like he doesn’t notice the little things I do: putting a granola bar on his hat so he doesn’t leave without breakfast, always having clean towels stocked in the cabinet (it’s actually an OCD thing I have), and making the bed every day (again, another OCD thing-I can’t sleep in an unmade bed). I do all the jobs of a housewife and then some. I’ve actually volunteered to take over the business side of his business because he sucks at it, and if I doing that would give us more time together, I’m all about it. This week I bought a shit ton of plastic tubs to organize and file all his documents, I cleaned and made his office more Emily friendly (meaning it’s clean enough for me to spend time in there), and I’m learning how to invoice and basically do all the jobs of a secretary. Kirk and I had a long discussion last week about our lack of time we spend together. He said that I’m “letting him go down in flames” by not helping him with his business. It’s true, I do have more spare time than he does, but taking on another job for no pay on top of all the other shit I do seems overwhelming. But, I know it will help ease some of his load and keep him low stress, so I decided to do it. So, now I’ve got the added responsibility of being a “house-girlfriend/secretary”.

I really hope this doesn’t blow up in my face and does the exact opposite of what I intend it to do. I’m sacrificing my free time so that he will have extra time on his hands to spend with me and get the manly things done around the house that I can’t do (like concrete in the front porch and put in a new back door). I swear to all that is holy, if he doesn’t show me some appreciation after this, I’m going to go back to being a “girlfriend” (ie, get my own place) or be nothing at all to him. I have this feeling that he is going to spend his newly acquired free time at the bar. So help me GOD, if that becomes a regular occurrence, I’m cutting my losses.

Ok, I’ve gone beyond ranting into whining. I’m going to try to stay positive about this. I’m helping my baby where he needs help the most. Honestly, I’m a pro with computers, and that coupled with my OCD, I’m made for this. I can probably do everything he’s been doing, and then some, in about a third the time. Maybe I can even do some marketing and promote his business! It’s going to be good experience for me because I’m also going to do his taxes and file all his quarterly documents, and all that fits into my long term goals. I'm either the best "house-girlfriend" on the planet, or I'm a complete pee-on.