So, Sunday I made chocolate chip cookies from scratch with my new Kitchen aid (because I wanted some, and also to prove to Kirk that it's not just a fancy mashed potato maker). I put them in a big zip lock bag so they would stay fresh. I made about a dozen, and froze the other half of the dough for later.
I get home from class yesterday and I was craving one of my awesome (double chocolate chunk) cookies (with nuts, of course) and I couldn't find them anywhere. I asked Kirk and he said "I don't know where they are, I was looking for them earlier" and then it hit me....freaking Buster! Yep, he jumped on the couch, and then onto the counter, and he took out a whole bag of chocolate chip cookies. I freaked out because chocolate+dogs=death. I looked it up online and it said about 5 ounces of chocolate for a 20 pound dog could be lethal. Buster is 40 lbs, and I figure he had about 4 ounces. He wasn't going to die, he was just really uncomfortable.
His belly got completely distended, like, huge, and he kept farting really loud (and groaning, and huffing, and wheezing) my poor guy was hurting. He pooped like 5 times, I lost count after a while. I made Kirk watch him when I went to bed to be sure he was ok. He was fine this morning, so crisis averted.
On the bright side, he did save me from about 350 calories that I would have regretted last night.
Zombies, Police, and My Boyfriends Dad
I talked to my mom on the phone and she was trying to convince me to stay with her this weekend when Kirk is out of town. My dad is going out of town on Sunday, so she was trying to persuade me to stay with her Sunday night. She said that they have a ghost, and if I don’t stay with her she’s going to a hotel. I asked why she thought there was a ghost, and she told me that last week, in the middle of the night, both her and my dad woke up because they thought they heard someone in the hallway. They looked at each other and were like “Who is in the house?” and then they heard a sound like someone running down the hallway outside their door (and my mom swears she heard a woman laughing). As if that’s not bad enough, my mom then told me that she woke up two nights ago and saw a woman in a black and white dress standing next to her bed. I asked her how much wine she’d had at dinner. She said none, and that she was completely awake and lucid. My mom said the woman was staring down at her and then looked over at my dad (who was snoring apparently) and then back at her, and smiled. I said to my mom “What the hell makes you think I want to stay with you if you have a ghost lady hanging around? Why don’t you just stay with me? “. She said she would if it weren’t for her yorki’s, (don’t get me started on her yorki’s). Anyways, that’s just a little pre-cursor to the events of last night.
Kirk was at his pool league, so I was home alone yet again on a Tuesday night. (Tuesday night is the scariest night of the week, not exactly sure why, but shit always seems to go down on a Tuesday) Around 10pm I set the alarm and tried to go to bed. I was creeping myself out because of what my mom said, and every little noise made me pull the cover higher up over my head (because nothing can hurt me under the covers, it’s a fact). I finally dozed off, and of course I had a dream about zombies (which is my usual nightmare, I hate zombies like woah).
Kirk was at his pool league, so I was home alone yet again on a Tuesday night. (Tuesday night is the scariest night of the week, not exactly sure why, but shit always seems to go down on a Tuesday) Around 10pm I set the alarm and tried to go to bed. I was creeping myself out because of what my mom said, and every little noise made me pull the cover higher up over my head (because nothing can hurt me under the covers, it’s a fact). I finally dozed off, and of course I had a dream about zombies (which is my usual nightmare, I hate zombies like woah). Around 1am the alarm goes off. I have a full on freak out. My heart is going 100 miles an hour and Buster is barking, which only makes things worse, it’s like “Hey, I’m back here with my stubby legged dog, come rape me!”. So I grab Kirks gun (yes, I know, me with a gun, hah-freaking-hah) and go into the kitchen. It takes me a minute to figure out what’s going on, but after I punch in the code to stop the wailing siren I figure out what triggered the alarm. It turns out that the wind was so gusty that it blew the kitchen door open (the door that leads out to the garage, which I never lock because the garage is always closed). The wind was so strong it actually blew through the cracks in the garage, and opened the shut kitchen door. I called Kirk and told him what had happened. He was drunk as usual and didn’t understand the situation. I was crying hysterically and just hung up on him.
I tried to go back to sleep, dozed off for a good 5 minutes, and then the door bell r
ang. Buster starts barking again. I go to the door, look through the peep hole, and see that it’s a policeman. He asks about the alarm and I tell him that it was just a wind gust that blew open the door, and he said he would still check out the area just in case. I say thank you and try to go back to bed, again. I start to doze off and then you-know-who comes home and wakes me up. He jumps on the bed and lands on top of me (which he only does when he’s drunk, when he’s sober he knows better). I say “Kirk, the party’s not still going on. Sleep on the couch or I WILL kill you!” He says “Baby is mean to the baby” and pouts. I ask if he’s drunk (because we have an agreement about the drinking and driving), and he says “Baby’s not drunk!” in a Chris Rock-ish voice. I start crying because at this point I’m so frustrated with everything that’s happened, I don’t have the energy to deal with the drinking and driving issue. I’m starting to come mentally un-glued.
He goes into the living room after I throw the remote at him. I bury my head in my pillow, still sobbing uncontrollably. I fall asleep, again, and of course the door bell rings, again. Buster starts barking… again. It rings a second time and I’m so pissed off I could shit. I storm into the living room and see that Kirk is passed out on the couch, not realizing someone is at the door. I look through the hole and it’s Kirk’s dad, yippie! He asks if everything is ok because he got a call from the alarm company that the alarm was triggered. He apologizes for coming over so late, but said that he’d called Kirk a few times with no answer and was worried. I tell him that everything is fine and explain what happened. He asked where Kirk was during all this. I tell him that Tuesday is his pool league, and that he goes out to the bar afterwards and usually comes home when it closes. He said “Kirk was out until 2 am on a Tuesday? “ I say “Yep, that’s how late he’s out every Tuesday.” His dad looks perplexed, and then walks over to the couch to wake up Kirk. I push on him and tell him to wake up because his dad is here, it takes a few tries but he finally opens his eyes. I tell him that I can’t deal with this right now because I have to be up in 3 hours and I have class tomorrow night. His dad says he’ll talk to Kirk, and I could tell he was more than pissed off than worried at this point (he drove from Edmond at 3am in the rain).
I go to bed. I’m too tired to be upset at this point. Kirk comes in the bedroom after his dad leaves. He pulls off my covers, mumbles something incoherently, farts, burps, and then kicks me. I’d had it at this point. I push him out of bed, and he’s lucky I don’t go WWF on his ass. Of course he lays there for a minute, not realizing what had just happened. Then he says “Fuck you bitch, we’re fucking done. Get the fuck out of my house!” slurring as he spits out that lovley sentiment. I say “No problem, I’ll be out by the weekend” and then he walks out of the bedroom. I hear him pissing and flailing about in the bathroom. He comes back in when he’s done, crawls in bed, and snuggles up to me and says “I love the baby" I guess he forgot what just happened in the 2 minutes it took him to go to the bathroom, but whatever, I’m too tired to give a rats ass.
This morning I woke up extremely groggy and irritated. I can already tell this is going to be a long, shitty day. A guy cut me off on the way to work and I started crying, thus proving that theory. I’m glad Kirk is leaving tomorrow for a week, I need some time to think through these recent events (not just last night, see my other blogs for more detail). I feel like I should get paid for babysitting when he acts like that. Like my friend Tracy said, “Throw in a couple of kids in the mix and then put up with him acting that way. “ She makes a good point.
I tried to go back to sleep, dozed off for a good 5 minutes, and then the door bell r
ang. Buster starts barking again. I go to the door, look through the peep hole, and see that it’s a policeman. He asks about the alarm and I tell him that it was just a wind gust that blew open the door, and he said he would still check out the area just in case. I say thank you and try to go back to bed, again. I start to doze off and then you-know-who comes home and wakes me up. He jumps on the bed and lands on top of me (which he only does when he’s drunk, when he’s sober he knows better). I say “Kirk, the party’s not still going on. Sleep on the couch or I WILL kill you!” He says “Baby is mean to the baby” and pouts. I ask if he’s drunk (because we have an agreement about the drinking and driving), and he says “Baby’s not drunk!” in a Chris Rock-ish voice. I start crying because at this point I’m so frustrated with everything that’s happened, I don’t have the energy to deal with the drinking and driving issue. I’m starting to come mentally un-glued.He goes into the living room after I throw the remote at him. I bury my head in my pillow, still sobbing uncontrollably. I fall asleep, again, and of course the door bell rings, again. Buster starts barking… again. It rings a second time and I’m so pissed off I could shit. I storm into the living room and see that Kirk is passed out on the couch, not realizing someone is at the door. I look through the hole and it’s Kirk’s dad, yippie! He asks if everything is ok because he got a call from the alarm company that the alarm was triggered. He apologizes for coming over so late, but said that he’d called Kirk a few times with no answer and was worried. I tell him that everything is fine and explain what happened. He asked where Kirk was during all this. I tell him that Tuesday is his pool league, and that he goes out to the bar afterwards and usually comes home when it closes. He said “Kirk was out until 2 am on a Tuesday? “ I say “Yep, that’s how late he’s out every Tuesday.” His dad looks perplexed, and then walks over to the couch to wake up Kirk. I push on him and tell him to wake up because his dad is here, it takes a few tries but he finally opens his eyes. I tell him that I can’t deal with this right now because I have to be up in 3 hours and I have class tomorrow night. His dad says he’ll talk to Kirk, and I could tell he was more than pissed off than worried at this point (he drove from Edmond at 3am in the rain).
I go to bed. I’m too tired to be upset at this point. Kirk comes in the bedroom after his dad leaves. He pulls off my covers, mumbles something incoherently, farts, burps, and then kicks me. I’d had it at this point. I push him out of bed, and he’s lucky I don’t go WWF on his ass. Of course he lays there for a minute, not realizing what had just happened. Then he says “Fuck you bitch, we’re fucking done. Get the fuck out of my house!” slurring as he spits out that lovley sentiment. I say “No problem, I’ll be out by the weekend” and then he walks out of the bedroom. I hear him pissing and flailing about in the bathroom. He comes back in when he’s done, crawls in bed, and snuggles up to me and says “I love the baby" I guess he forgot what just happened in the 2 minutes it took him to go to the bathroom, but whatever, I’m too tired to give a rats ass.
This morning I woke up extremely groggy and irritated. I can already tell this is going to be a long, shitty day. A guy cut me off on the way to work and I started crying, thus proving that theory. I’m glad Kirk is leaving tomorrow for a week, I need some time to think through these recent events (not just last night, see my other blogs for more detail). I feel like I should get paid for babysitting when he acts like that. Like my friend Tracy said, “Throw in a couple of kids in the mix and then put up with him acting that way. “ She makes a good point. Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire
Last night, Kirk and I were just sitting on the couch watching TV, nothing too terribly exciting. Kirks phone rings and it's his friend Jorge. You see, Jorge is getting married on Saturday, and apparently one bachelor party isn’t enough for him, he needs to go out and get wasted for his “last night of freedom” (part two). Anyways, what my stupid boyfriend doesn’t realize is that I can hear every word Jorge is saying to him on the phone (I did mention that he's stupid, right?)
Here’s how the conversation went:
Kirk: “So where do you wanna go?”
Jorge: “Let’s go to Centerfolds!” (which is a titty bar)
Kirk: “Oh, Blue Bayou, yea I know that place. “
Jorge: “Is Emily with you or something?”
Kirk: “Yea man sounds good, let’s meet up in an hour, I still gotta take a shower.”
Jorge: “Haha! You crazy son of a bitch, I’ll call you in a little while.”
Kirk realizes I’m glaring at him.
Kirk: “What baby?”
Me: “I just heard every word of what you and Jorge said.”
Kirk: “Huh?” *he realizes now that he’s been busted
Me: “I heard every word Jorge said! He said he wants to go to Centerfolds, and you tried to cover it up because I’m sitting here!”
Kirk: “I was just trying to avoid you being mad at me”.
Me: “Well guess what, I’m mad at you for lying, not going to a strip club. I could care less if you go to a strip club, as long as you’re safe, faithful, and don’t drive home drun
k.”
Kirk: “Whatever, you would be pissed if I went to Centerfolds.”
Me: “No, I’m pissed because you lied. You can try to put it on me as much as you want, but the bottom line is you just tried to pull the wool over my eyes so you could sneak around to the titty bars with Jorge.
Kirk: “I’m sorry baby, I just didn’t want to make you upset. I don't like it when you're mad at me.”
Me: “Awww, well, too late. Now all I hear is ‘bullshit, bullshit, bullshit’. Why don’t you go ahead and leave, I’m sick of looking at your lying face.”
Kirk got his shower and then he went out. He said before he left that they were just going to some bar up on North side. I said I could care less what he does, it’s of no concern to me anymore. I think that hit a nerve because he called me at 1am, and texted me twice with “I love you” and “I miss my baby”. I didn’t respond. When he crawled in bed in the wee hours of the morning and tried to snuggle, I pushed him off (which is rare). I thought I might be overreacting, but then in discussing this with my friends they said I let him off too lightly. If I don't get my point across he will think he can get away with this kind of shit. So, I'm a little unsure how to handle this now. I wish I could kick it old school and hit him over the head with a frying pan to get my point accross.
I’m really not a crazy bitch, I just expect to be treated with respect and not someone he can dick around at his convenience. It hurts my feelings that he lied to me about something so insignificant. What is he lying about when I don’t catch him? Why did I fall in love with such an infantile jackass? He's making it harder and harder to see the good things about our relationship...really hard.
*insert sad face here*
Here’s how the conversation went:
Kirk: “So where do you wanna go?”
Jorge: “Let’s go to Centerfolds!” (which is a titty bar)
Kirk: “Oh, Blue Bayou, yea I know that place. “
Jorge: “Is Emily with you or something?”
Kirk: “Yea man sounds good, let’s meet up in an hour, I still gotta take a shower.”
Jorge: “Haha! You crazy son of a bitch, I’ll call you in a little while.”
Kirk realizes I’m glaring at him.
Kirk: “What baby?”
Me: “I just heard every word of what you and Jorge said.”
Kirk: “Huh?” *he realizes now that he’s been busted
Me: “I heard every word Jorge said! He said he wants to go to Centerfolds, and you tried to cover it up because I’m sitting here!”
Kirk: “I was just trying to avoid you being mad at me”.
Me: “Well guess what, I’m mad at you for lying, not going to a strip club. I could care less if you go to a strip club, as long as you’re safe, faithful, and don’t drive home drun
k.”Kirk: “Whatever, you would be pissed if I went to Centerfolds.”
Me: “No, I’m pissed because you lied. You can try to put it on me as much as you want, but the bottom line is you just tried to pull the wool over my eyes so you could sneak around to the titty bars with Jorge.
Kirk: “I’m sorry baby, I just didn’t want to make you upset. I don't like it when you're mad at me.”
Me: “Awww, well, too late. Now all I hear is ‘bullshit, bullshit, bullshit’. Why don’t you go ahead and leave, I’m sick of looking at your lying face.”
Kirk got his shower and then he went out. He said before he left that they were just going to some bar up on North side. I said I could care less what he does, it’s of no concern to me anymore. I think that hit a nerve because he called me at 1am, and texted me twice with “I love you” and “I miss my baby”. I didn’t respond. When he crawled in bed in the wee hours of the morning and tried to snuggle, I pushed him off (which is rare). I thought I might be overreacting, but then in discussing this with my friends they said I let him off too lightly. If I don't get my point across he will think he can get away with this kind of shit. So, I'm a little unsure how to handle this now. I wish I could kick it old school and hit him over the head with a frying pan to get my point accross.
I’m really not a crazy bitch, I just expect to be treated with respect and not someone he can dick around at his convenience. It hurts my feelings that he lied to me about something so insignificant. What is he lying about when I don’t catch him? Why did I fall in love with such an infantile jackass? He's making it harder and harder to see the good things about our relationship...really hard.
*insert sad face here*
"Limo Girls"
Kirk is going to his buddy’s bachelor party this weekend and I can’t say I’m not a little nervous about it. His friend Dustin, whom I normally adore, is planning to hire “limo girls” for the night. I know this because he was stupid enough to tell my friend Red about his dirty plans, and she told me because it pissed her off that he would put our guys in this kind of situation. It shows no respect for other peoples relationships, and honestly I've lost alot of respect for him because of it. Now, you’re probably wondering what a limo girl is. Well, basically it’s a nice way of saying hooker. They get paid to “entertain” rich guys for money…in a limo. Dustin said they’re a not hookers, they're just hot chicks he pays as the entertainment. Maybe they don't like the term hooker, but at the end of the day that is exactly what they are. Sexual favors for money? Yup, that's a hooker.
I trust Kirk when he says he wouldn’t touch them. But, Kirk has done some pretty ridiculous stuff when he’s drunk, so what’s stopping him from sticking his wang in a whores mouth, butt or what have you? He can barely piss in the toilet when he’s drunk, so how am I really supposed to be assured that he can keep it in his pants? And secondly, why would Dustin be renting hookers, sorry, “limo girls”, for a bachelor party? This man is getting married! He doesn’t need dirty hooker poon dangled in his face. I hate that there’s nothing I can say or do about this without seeming like a jealous, possessive bitch. Why would I be jealous of a girl that charges to have men’s dirty bits put in her orifices’? It’s pretty disgusting, degrading, and dangerous, and definitely nothing to be jealous of. I’m mostly worried that Kirk will be too drunk to realize what he’s doing, which is not unusual, and end up doing something he’ll regret. I don’t care how wasted he is, I don’t care how much pressure there is and that "everyones doing it", I don’t care about any excuse for letting a stranger do things to him that only his girlfriend is allowed to do. If I find out that anything shady happened, it's his ass.
Call me old fashioned, but what happened to just having your best buds out for a few drinks at a titty bar? Tip a few girls, let them rub their oily jugs in your face and call it good. Why hookers? Hookers are for desperate dirty old men that are bored of having sex with their prude wives. Why would a bunch of dudes out to celebrate the end of one of their friends single life want to watch each other get BJ’s? I just don’t get the appeal. Kirk is going to be the hottest dude there, so they will flock to him! He said they wouldn’t because they only want a dude for his money, and he wouldn’t show them a dime.
I warned Kirk that if he so much as touches one of them he might as well screw them because it would be all the same to me. I said to him “Those girls have had at least 500 dicks in their mouth and other orifices, so if the thought crosses your feeble mind to bust a nut in one of them, you just remember how many dirty man dicks have been up in there. Don't forget that you have a wholesome, loving girlfriend at home when one of those hookers tries to suck you.” He made a face and said “Yea, gross, hookers are nasty!” That made me feel a little better, but I’m still not a happy camper about all of this. If I so much as hear someone allude to the fact that some dirty shit went on with my boyfriend present, he will cease to be my boyfriend because that's not the kind of boyfriend I want.
Ugh, I hate hookers...
I trust Kirk when he says he wouldn’t touch them. But, Kirk has done some pretty ridiculous stuff when he’s drunk, so what’s stopping him from sticking his wang in a whores mouth, butt or what have you? He can barely piss in the toilet when he’s drunk, so how am I really supposed to be assured that he can keep it in his pants? And secondly, why would Dustin be renting hookers, sorry, “limo girls”, for a bachelor party? This man is getting married! He doesn’t need dirty hooker poon dangled in his face. I hate that there’s nothing I can say or do about this without seeming like a jealous, possessive bitch. Why would I be jealous of a girl that charges to have men’s dirty bits put in her orifices’? It’s pretty disgusting, degrading, and dangerous, and definitely nothing to be jealous of. I’m mostly worried that Kirk will be too drunk to realize what he’s doing, which is not unusual, and end up doing something he’ll regret. I don’t care how wasted he is, I don’t care how much pressure there is and that "everyones doing it", I don’t care about any excuse for letting a stranger do things to him that only his girlfriend is allowed to do. If I find out that anything shady happened, it's his ass.
Call me old fashioned, but what happened to just having your best buds out for a few drinks at a titty bar? Tip a few girls, let them rub their oily jugs in your face and call it good. Why hookers? Hookers are for desperate dirty old men that are bored of having sex with their prude wives. Why would a bunch of dudes out to celebrate the end of one of their friends single life want to watch each other get BJ’s? I just don’t get the appeal. Kirk is going to be the hottest dude there, so they will flock to him! He said they wouldn’t because they only want a dude for his money, and he wouldn’t show them a dime.
I warned Kirk that if he so much as touches one of them he might as well screw them because it would be all the same to me. I said to him “Those girls have had at least 500 dicks in their mouth and other orifices, so if the thought crosses your feeble mind to bust a nut in one of them, you just remember how many dirty man dicks have been up in there. Don't forget that you have a wholesome, loving girlfriend at home when one of those hookers tries to suck you.” He made a face and said “Yea, gross, hookers are nasty!” That made me feel a little better, but I’m still not a happy camper about all of this. If I so much as hear someone allude to the fact that some dirty shit went on with my boyfriend present, he will cease to be my boyfriend because that's not the kind of boyfriend I want.
Ugh, I hate hookers...
The Way To A Man’s Heart
I’ve heard that the way to a man’s heart is to keep his stomach full and his balls empty. I always thought this was a completely sexist and degrading statement. I mean, there’s more to me than awesome sex and my even more awesome cooking abilities. But maybe there is something to this....
Kirk is your typical macho, hard workin’ man. He isn’t big on the “I love You” s. Actually, I never hear that phrase unless he’s done something horribly wrong and he’s trying to stop me from walking out the door. For instance, a few weeks ago he didn’t come home all night when he said he’d be home by 11. He didn’t take a minute out of him drunken ridiculousness to call or leave me a text message so I would know he’s wasn’t dead or in jail. (I actually woke up at 6 am and called jails and hospitals.) Hours later, I get a call from him saying he got too drunk to drive so he stayed at his buddy’s house. (I know, the first thing you’re thinking is that he was with a chick, but Kirk isn’t a cheater. If he was or if I even thought he might be headed that way, I would be out so fast his head would spin). Let’s just say that it took a lot of begging and promising to keep my bags unpacked after that stunt. Sorry, got off on a side rant...
Like I said, Kirk doesn’t just give out “I love you”s on a whim. I’ve asked him why he never says it, and his response was “I love you, you know that, I shouldn't have to say it all the time. I’m not a pussy that’s going to kiss your feet and worship the ground you walk on…like your other boyfriends” It’s true, he doesn’t profess his love like the others have, but for whatever reason he is what makes me tick.
Last night I cooked an amazing dinner, even I was impressed with myself (pan fried pork chops with a spicy peach mustard glaze and roasted vegetables. Fuckin’ aye!) . Kirk never says a word about my food (unless he’s criticizing). I get annoyed by his silence so I usually say to him “Do you like it?” just so I can get some recognition for my achievement. He’ll nod or “Uh-huh” me, but that’s it. He took his first bite and said “Mmmm. Baby this is really good!” My heart almost stopped. I smiled and said “Thanks, it’s just something I threw together. Glad you like it!” and watched him devour it, and then go back for seconds. I felt like my skills were really appreciated (for once). After dinner, we just sprawled out on the couch like two full pigs, and he grabbed my hand. It’s a rare occasion when he holds my hand, especially when we’re just sitting on the couch doing nothing. He was being playful and sweet all of a sudden. He was trying to tickle me!?!? Weird. We then took the playfulness into the bedroom, took care of business, and then just kind of cuddled for a while (which is rare).
Kirk is your typical macho, hard workin’ man. He isn’t big on the “I love You” s. Actually, I never hear that phrase unless he’s done something horribly wrong and he’s trying to stop me from walking out the door. For instance, a few weeks ago he didn’t come home all night when he said he’d be home by 11. He didn’t take a minute out of him drunken ridiculousness to call or leave me a text message so I would know he’s wasn’t dead or in jail. (I actually woke up at 6 am and called jails and hospitals.) Hours later, I get a call from him saying he got too drunk to drive so he stayed at his buddy’s house. (I know, the first thing you’re thinking is that he was with a chick, but Kirk isn’t a cheater. If he was or if I even thought he might be headed that way, I would be out so fast his head would spin). Let’s just say that it took a lot of begging and promising to keep my bags unpacked after that stunt. Sorry, got off on a side rant...
Like I said, Kirk doesn’t just give out “I love you”s on a whim. I’ve asked him why he never says it, and his response was “I love you, you know that, I shouldn't have to say it all the time. I’m not a pussy that’s going to kiss your feet and worship the ground you walk on…like your other boyfriends” It’s true, he doesn’t profess his love like the others have, but for whatever reason he is what makes me tick. Kirk is the bread to my butter. I need him like a junkie needs crack. I still get the nervous tummy flutter sometimes when I look at him. He’s my lobster. All the love I have for him overflows into a constant string of “I love you”s that I can’t control. Usually he either smiles and gives me a kiss, says “Baby loves baby”, or comes up with some other side step to keep from saying the response I want to hear. I’ve gotten used to his lack of verbal love. He’s just not a mushy type of guy, so I cut him some slack and let him be who he be.
Last night I cooked an amazing dinner, even I was impressed with myself (pan fried pork chops with a spicy peach mustard glaze and roasted vegetables. Fuckin’ aye!) . Kirk never says a word about my food (unless he’s criticizing). I get annoyed by his silence so I usually say to him “Do you like it?” just so I can get some recognition for my achievement. He’ll nod or “Uh-huh” me, but that’s it. He took his first bite and said “Mmmm. Baby this is really good!” My heart almost stopped. I smiled and said “Thanks, it’s just something I threw together. Glad you like it!” and watched him devour it, and then go back for seconds. I felt like my skills were really appreciated (for once). After dinner, we just sprawled out on the couch like two full pigs, and he grabbed my hand. It’s a rare occasion when he holds my hand, especially when we’re just sitting on the couch doing nothing. He was being playful and sweet all of a sudden. He was trying to tickle me!?!? Weird. We then took the playfulness into the bedroom, took care of business, and then just kind of cuddled for a while (which is rare).
He was still acting oddly affectionate, which was nice but very unexpected, and then he said it. The three words I hardly ever get to hear back to back. He said “I love you” and then he kissed my shoulder. I of course responded and then we laid in silence for a few minutes, I actually didn’t really know how to follow something like that. I know you may think this is dramatic, and it probably is, but three and a half years with this man and I’ve only ever heard him say it (when he’s not in trouble) a handful of times, if that. Maybe it was the pork, maybe it was the ass, maybe it was both, but whatever it was, I definitely feel like I wiggled my way into his heart a little (and that is worth a blog in my opinion).
“House-Girlfriend”
When I was a kid, my mother worked full time as a nurse. She worked 60+ hour weeks while my dad stayed home with me (he was a college professor so he had a lot more free time than she did). He was a “Mister Mom” to me. He took me to my Girl Scouts (he was even a den mother!), coached my soccer team, went to all the PTA and school functions, and he even braided my hair for me in the morning. My mom was a presence in my life, but she was different from other moms, she was more like a dad. My mom handled the cooking, but other than that, my dad did the rest. I grew up with a man waiting on me hand and foot. I’m an only child, so I had 100% of my father’s attention and devotion at all times. I didn’t have to share him with anyone and I preferred it that way. I was and still am a daddy’s girl through and through.
Now, fast forward 10 years and take look at my situation and you can see why I have so many issues with my stupid boyfriend. I’m living with a man that is the complete opposite of my father. He runs his own business working 12 hour days during the summer time. He’s not home much, and when he is home he’s napping, eating, or doing his paperwork. There’s not much time left for me at the end of the day. He comes home and his needs are priority. I’ve gotten used to this, but I’m definitely not happy about it. I throw “temper tantrums” (to quote my stupid boyfriend) when I feel lonely, neglected, or just taken for granted. I get accused of "always being in a bad mood" and "too high maintenance" when I act like that. Go. Fuck. Yourself. I don't like being generalized like that, especially when 98% of the time I'm peaches and fucking cream. If I'm in a bad mood for an hour or so every few weeks, BFD! Everyone is entitled to a bad mood, it doesn't make me high maintenance, not even close. Sorry, got off on a minor rant...
I clean, I do all the laundry, I cook (and when I don’t actually cook I make sure something is heated up for him when he gets in), and I take care of our dog. I’m also working full time, in grad school, and I’m working on my fitness. My lazy Emily time has been few and far between lately. With all I do for him, I don’t feel like I get much appreciation in return. I’m not looking for him to do a little dance when I clean the toilets or anything, but a simple “Place looks good, baby!” would suffice. I feel like he doesn’t notice the little things I do: putting a granola bar on his hat so he doesn’t leave without breakfast, always having clean towels stocked in the cabinet (it’s actually an OCD thing I have), and making the bed every day (again, another OCD thing-I can’t sleep in an unmade bed). I do all the jobs of a housewife and then some. I’ve actually volunteered to take over the business side of his business because he sucks at it, and if I doing that would give us more time together, I’m all about it. This week I bought a shit ton of plastic tubs to organize and file all his documents, I cleaned and made his office more Emily friendly (meaning it’s clean enough for me to spend time in there), and I’m learning how to invoice and basically do all the jobs of a secretary. Kirk and I had a long discussion last week about our lack of time we spend together. He said that I’m “letting him go down in flames” by not helping him with his business. It’s true, I do have more spare time than he does, but taking on another job for no pay on top of all the other shit I do seems overwhelming. But, I know it will help ease some of his load and keep him low stress, so I decided to do it. So, now I’ve got the added responsibility of being a “house-girlfriend/secretary”.
Now, fast forward 10 years and take look at my situation and you can see why I have so many issues with my stupid boyfriend. I’m living with a man that is the complete opposite of my father. He runs his own business working 12 hour days during the summer time. He’s not home much, and when he is home he’s napping, eating, or doing his paperwork. There’s not much time left for me at the end of the day. He comes home and his needs are priority. I’ve gotten used to this, but I’m definitely not happy about it. I throw “temper tantrums” (to quote my stupid boyfriend) when I feel lonely, neglected, or just taken for granted. I get accused of "always being in a bad mood" and "too high maintenance" when I act like that. Go. Fuck. Yourself. I don't like being generalized like that, especially when 98% of the time I'm peaches and fucking cream. If I'm in a bad mood for an hour or so every few weeks, BFD! Everyone is entitled to a bad mood, it doesn't make me high maintenance, not even close. Sorry, got off on a minor rant...
For the past year and four months Kirk and I have been co-habitating. I’ve taken on the role of “house-girlfriend”. I don’t have the perks of a “wife” because I have no real security or entitlement. I don’t have the perks of a “girlfriend” because I can’t just chill in my own domain, paint my walls bright purple, or look like complete shit without anyone around to notice. I’m constantly on my toes as a “house-girlfriend”. I’ve had to learn to be a “good wife” (without actually being a wife) and “take care of my man” when there’s no one to take care of me (I need my daddy!). I’m learning hard and fast that if I’m going to be with the man I love, I’m going to have to put my selfish self on a shelf for now.
I clean, I do all the laundry, I cook (and when I don’t actually cook I make sure something is heated up for him when he gets in), and I take care of our dog. I’m also working full time, in grad school, and I’m working on my fitness. My lazy Emily time has been few and far between lately. With all I do for him, I don’t feel like I get much appreciation in return. I’m not looking for him to do a little dance when I clean the toilets or anything, but a simple “Place looks good, baby!” would suffice. I feel like he doesn’t notice the little things I do: putting a granola bar on his hat so he doesn’t leave without breakfast, always having clean towels stocked in the cabinet (it’s actually an OCD thing I have), and making the bed every day (again, another OCD thing-I can’t sleep in an unmade bed). I do all the jobs of a housewife and then some. I’ve actually volunteered to take over the business side of his business because he sucks at it, and if I doing that would give us more time together, I’m all about it. This week I bought a shit ton of plastic tubs to organize and file all his documents, I cleaned and made his office more Emily friendly (meaning it’s clean enough for me to spend time in there), and I’m learning how to invoice and basically do all the jobs of a secretary. Kirk and I had a long discussion last week about our lack of time we spend together. He said that I’m “letting him go down in flames” by not helping him with his business. It’s true, I do have more spare time than he does, but taking on another job for no pay on top of all the other shit I do seems overwhelming. But, I know it will help ease some of his load and keep him low stress, so I decided to do it. So, now I’ve got the added responsibility of being a “house-girlfriend/secretary”.
I really hope this doesn’t blow up in my face and does the exact opposite of what I intend it to do. I’m sacrificing my free time so that he will have extra time on his hands to spend with me and get the manly things done around the house that I can’t do (like concrete in the front porch and put in a new back door). I swear to all that is holy, if he doesn’t show me some appreciation after this, I’m going to go back to being a “girlfriend” (ie, get my own place) or be nothing at all to him. I have this feeling that he is going to spend his newly acquired free time at the bar. So help me GOD, if that becomes a regular occurrence, I’m cutting my losses.
Ok, I’ve gone beyond ranting into whining. I’m going to try to stay positive about this. I’m helping my baby where he needs help the most. Honestly, I’m a pro with computers, and that coupled with my OCD, I’m made for this. I can probably do everything he’s been doing, and then some, in about a third the time. Maybe I can even do some marketing and promote his business! It’s going to be good experience for me because I’m also going to do his taxes and file all his quarterly documents, and all that fits into my long term goals. I'm either the best "house-girlfriend" on the planet, or I'm a complete pee-on.
Dear Robert Pattinson
April 21, 2009
Dear Robert,
You were a hot piece of jail bait in Harry Potter, and now you’re all manned up, hairy, and what I would consider a prime hunk of white chocolate. A friend asked what I meant by “white chocolate” and my response was- “By white chocolate, I mean I want him lick and melt him all over me". You make me want to stop, oh, then wiggle wit it, yea. I want you to flip me and dip me all night long and make it hurt so good.
I want to lick your face off of your face. I want to do things with you that involve jell-o, frosting, and bondage cuffs-the pink, fuzzy kind. You’re a little young for me, but hey, veal tastes good, and so does lamb, so I bet you do too. You’ve moved to the top of my “list” alla Friends style. You beat out Charlie Day, and he’s been my fleshy piece of steaming hot man meat for years now. You’re kind of like that female pleasure enhancing cream in the human form. If you’re ever in Oklahoma, all I need is 20 minutes of your time.
Your personal bang maid,
Emily
Dear Robert,
You were a hot piece of jail bait in Harry Potter, and now you’re all manned up, hairy, and what I would consider a prime hunk of white chocolate. A friend asked what I meant by “white chocolate” and my response was- “By white chocolate, I mean I want him lick and melt him all over me". You make me want to stop, oh, then wiggle wit it, yea. I want you to flip me and dip me all night long and make it hurt so good.
I want to lick your face off of your face. I want to do things with you that involve jell-o, frosting, and bondage cuffs-the pink, fuzzy kind. You’re a little young for me, but hey, veal tastes good, and so does lamb, so I bet you do too. You’ve moved to the top of my “list” alla Friends style. You beat out Charlie Day, and he’s been my fleshy piece of steaming hot man meat for years now. You’re kind of like that female pleasure enhancing cream in the human form. If you’re ever in Oklahoma, all I need is 20 minutes of your time.
Your personal bang maid,
Emily
Stupid Boyfriend Rant, Part Two
February 18, 2009
Last night I had one of the most vivid, scary, and downright disturbing dreams that I have ever had, it breaks the top 3 for sure. I woke up at 4am in a complete panic-sweaty, shaking, and rocking back and forth.
On a side note: Kirk is a night owl, and when I retreat to the bedroom at 10:30-11, he stays up all night does God knows what. We’ve been living together for about a year now, and I’ve grown accustomed to it. He usually trickles in to bed around 4 or 5 am, or sometimes just passes out on the couch. It bugged me at first, but now I like sleeping alone, I’m a light sleeper anyways so it actually works out pretty well.
I look over and Kirk isn’t in bed yet, so I go in the living room to get him to comfort me. Guess who isn’t there? Yep, he was nowhere to be found. Confused (and freaked out at 4 am mind you) I put on a jacket (did I mention that it's 4 am?) and go see if his car is outside. Nope, it's gone. So I call him. When he picks up I ask him where he is. He says he's at Rocky's house up the street but he acts all cool about it, like nothing is out of the ordinary (and of course I hear girls giggling in the background). I just hang up. I go back in the bedroom, completely fired up and turn on the TV. 20 minutes later, I hear keys in the door, and our dog Buster starts barking. Now, even when Kirk lets me know
that he is going to be out late, Buster STILL wakes me up in the wee hours of the morning when he comes home, which in itself is quite irritating. But, I’m scared to be alone at night so Buster sleeps with me, regardless. Kirk comes into the bedroom and acts like nothing is wrong. He begins to act “cute”, trying to hug me and kiss me because he can tell that I'm obviously pissed. I don't say anything, just stare at the TV. He starts whining. I say "Kirk, I'm mad. You need to sleep on the couch, we will talk about this tomorrow," You would have thought I slapped him across the face. He gets all upset and defensive and says "What did I do this time?" I tell him I had a nightmare, I was scared, and he was gone. Not only was I scared because of the dream, but I was scared because I couldn’t find him in the house. I told him he could have left me a note. He said he didn't want to wake me up (um, how would leaving me a note wake me up?) Obviously I’m speaking to a drunk person so I told him he needs to leave me alone so I can get back to sleep (I did mention it was 4:30 am, right?). He was completely wasted, this was proved by the fact that when he left, he went into the bathroom and proceeded to flail around and fall into the wall several times, I know this because of the loud THUDS against the wall. On top of everything he drove home drunk, again. I am at the end of my fastly fraying rope with this guy.
Another side note: I don’t think I mentioned that he “warned” me not to get jealous in Mexico because he would be talking to lots of “people”, and I’m like, what the hell are you going to do that would make me jealous? Have you seen my boobs? I'm the one that he should be worried about, not the other way around, don't get it twisted. Anyways, that’s a convoluted side issue that had me riled up last week, but I’ve come to the conclusion that if he’s going to treat me with disrespect on our vacation, he can suck it, plain and simple.
Last night I had one of the most vivid, scary, and downright disturbing dreams that I have ever had, it breaks the top 3 for sure. I woke up at 4am in a complete panic-sweaty, shaking, and rocking back and forth.
On a side note: Kirk is a night owl, and when I retreat to the bedroom at 10:30-11, he stays up all night does God knows what. We’ve been living together for about a year now, and I’ve grown accustomed to it. He usually trickles in to bed around 4 or 5 am, or sometimes just passes out on the couch. It bugged me at first, but now I like sleeping alone, I’m a light sleeper anyways so it actually works out pretty well.
I look over and Kirk isn’t in bed yet, so I go in the living room to get him to comfort me. Guess who isn’t there? Yep, he was nowhere to be found. Confused (and freaked out at 4 am mind you) I put on a jacket (did I mention that it's 4 am?) and go see if his car is outside. Nope, it's gone. So I call him. When he picks up I ask him where he is. He says he's at Rocky's house up the street but he acts all cool about it, like nothing is out of the ordinary (and of course I hear girls giggling in the background). I just hang up. I go back in the bedroom, completely fired up and turn on the TV. 20 minutes later, I hear keys in the door, and our dog Buster starts barking. Now, even when Kirk lets me know
that he is going to be out late, Buster STILL wakes me up in the wee hours of the morning when he comes home, which in itself is quite irritating. But, I’m scared to be alone at night so Buster sleeps with me, regardless. Kirk comes into the bedroom and acts like nothing is wrong. He begins to act “cute”, trying to hug me and kiss me because he can tell that I'm obviously pissed. I don't say anything, just stare at the TV. He starts whining. I say "Kirk, I'm mad. You need to sleep on the couch, we will talk about this tomorrow," You would have thought I slapped him across the face. He gets all upset and defensive and says "What did I do this time?" I tell him I had a nightmare, I was scared, and he was gone. Not only was I scared because of the dream, but I was scared because I couldn’t find him in the house. I told him he could have left me a note. He said he didn't want to wake me up (um, how would leaving me a note wake me up?) Obviously I’m speaking to a drunk person so I told him he needs to leave me alone so I can get back to sleep (I did mention it was 4:30 am, right?). He was completely wasted, this was proved by the fact that when he left, he went into the bathroom and proceeded to flail around and fall into the wall several times, I know this because of the loud THUDS against the wall. On top of everything he drove home drunk, again. I am at the end of my fastly fraying rope with this guy.Another side note: I don’t think I mentioned that he “warned” me not to get jealous in Mexico because he would be talking to lots of “people”, and I’m like, what the hell are you going to do that would make me jealous? Have you seen my boobs? I'm the one that he should be worried about, not the other way around, don't get it twisted. Anyways, that’s a convoluted side issue that had me riled up last week, but I’ve come to the conclusion that if he’s going to treat me with disrespect on our vacation, he can suck it, plain and simple.
Wal-Mart Rant
November 9, 2008
Is it just me, or does every person that shops at Wal-Mart have their head shoved all the way up their anus? People turn into cranky d-bags when they walk into that place, me included. From the gigantic, white-trash women in the Wal-Mart motorized carts that act like they own the isle to the completely oblivious mother and her four screaming children that she obviously can't control. The pissy cashiers, the "greeter" that doesn't greet anyone but rather stands in the way when you're trying to get a cart, the florescent lighting that sucks out my soul, the dumb turds that wait for a parking space for 5 minutes while you're trapped behind them, and the creme de la creme, the workers at the deli counter that act like you're bothering them just because you want some deli meat sliced. If I didn't have my iPod on while I was shopping, I would cut some people. Seriously, I've actually considered ramming a small child with my cart. That place brings out the worst in me.
Is it just me, or does every person that shops at Wal-Mart have their head shoved all the way up their anus? People turn into cranky d-bags when they walk into that place, me included. From the gigantic, white-trash women in the Wal-Mart motorized carts that act like they own the isle to the completely oblivious mother and her four screaming children that she obviously can't control. The pissy cashiers, the "greeter" that doesn't greet anyone but rather stands in the way when you're trying to get a cart, the florescent lighting that sucks out my soul, the dumb turds that wait for a parking space for 5 minutes while you're trapped behind them, and the creme de la creme, the workers at the deli counter that act like you're bothering them just because you want some deli meat sliced. If I didn't have my iPod on while I was shopping, I would cut some people. Seriously, I've actually considered ramming a small child with my cart. That place brings out the worst in me.
Stupid Boyfriend Rant
June 25, 2008
I thought living with my boyfriend would be peaches and cream, all night sex, and happily ever after. I was wrong.
Last night I met Kirk at Dan's after class, he goes there on Tuesday's, it's his "thing". He goes up there to hang with friends. His new group of friends all happen to be girls, but they're cool with me so I'm cool with them. I guess that makes him the weird gay-ish guy that hangs with chicks? Anyways, after I was there long enough to have a few Blue Moons he starts to yawn, complain about his headache, and says he's ready to leave (this is around 12). Since I drove separately I decided to leave on my own. He said he was going to tab out.
I was under the impression that when he said "I'm going to tab out" that meant that he was going to tab out and come home pretty quickly after that. I ate a Lean Cuisine, watched "I Love the New Millennium" on VH1, and went to bed. I was slightly concerned he wasn't home yet, but figured he was on his way. I'm in bed by 12:30. My mental alarm clock woke me up around 2:15 and I noticed I had no Kirk in my bed. I was worried. I thought he may have gotten in a car wreck or something, and because he didn't answer my phone calls, I started to get the panicky feelings. He's pulled this crap on me before so I should have known he was just being a stupid d-bag and gone back to bed. Well, 3 am rolls around and his
drunk ass stumbles in and all hell broke loose. He tells me that he was at his friend Rocky's house drinking (Rocky is his buddy in the band that plays at DM's on Tuesday nights). I asked him if it was just the two of them and he says yes. Psssshhhhyyyeaaahhhh right! Rocky's a hot guy in a band, there's always going to be hot chicks around. I'm much smarter than you are Kirk (and this is heightened when I'm sober and he's drunk). That's not even the reason I'm thinking Kirk needs his balls kicked. The reason I'm mad is that he WOKE ME UP AT 3AM ON A WORK NIGHT! Seriously? I have to work in the morning and your drunk ass wakes me up at almost 3 am? You're 31 acting like a 21 year old. He has absolutely no respect for me or anyone else. When you move someone in with you, you have to be respectful of their needs and responsibilities as well as your own. He's very selfish, and I don't know if he will ever change. To top if all off he drove home wasted last night. I lost two close friends to drunk driving so it really makes me mad when he pulls that crap. I'm just so incredibly pissed right now. I don't want to break up with him, I'm done doing that, but I really wish he would look at things from my perspective. He's only concerned about how things affect him, not me.
So, I'm going to take advice from my good friends, I'm going to put Emily in front of Kirk. I'm done cooking, cleaning, packing his lunches, and all the other domesticated shit that eats up all my time. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself. And since he doesn't want to have to "check in with anyone", I will show him the same respect in return. I will no longer pay attention to him when he's acting like a brat, because any attention is a reaction, and from now on I'm not reacting to him. I think in the long run that will piss him off more than me yelling at him (which is a reaction).
I thought living with my boyfriend would be peaches and cream, all night sex, and happily ever after. I was wrong.
Last night I met Kirk at Dan's after class, he goes there on Tuesday's, it's his "thing". He goes up there to hang with friends. His new group of friends all happen to be girls, but they're cool with me so I'm cool with them. I guess that makes him the weird gay-ish guy that hangs with chicks? Anyways, after I was there long enough to have a few Blue Moons he starts to yawn, complain about his headache, and says he's ready to leave (this is around 12). Since I drove separately I decided to leave on my own. He said he was going to tab out.
I was under the impression that when he said "I'm going to tab out" that meant that he was going to tab out and come home pretty quickly after that. I ate a Lean Cuisine, watched "I Love the New Millennium" on VH1, and went to bed. I was slightly concerned he wasn't home yet, but figured he was on his way. I'm in bed by 12:30. My mental alarm clock woke me up around 2:15 and I noticed I had no Kirk in my bed. I was worried. I thought he may have gotten in a car wreck or something, and because he didn't answer my phone calls, I started to get the panicky feelings. He's pulled this crap on me before so I should have known he was just being a stupid d-bag and gone back to bed. Well, 3 am rolls around and his
drunk ass stumbles in and all hell broke loose. He tells me that he was at his friend Rocky's house drinking (Rocky is his buddy in the band that plays at DM's on Tuesday nights). I asked him if it was just the two of them and he says yes. Psssshhhhyyyeaaahhhh right! Rocky's a hot guy in a band, there's always going to be hot chicks around. I'm much smarter than you are Kirk (and this is heightened when I'm sober and he's drunk). That's not even the reason I'm thinking Kirk needs his balls kicked. The reason I'm mad is that he WOKE ME UP AT 3AM ON A WORK NIGHT! Seriously? I have to work in the morning and your drunk ass wakes me up at almost 3 am? You're 31 acting like a 21 year old. He has absolutely no respect for me or anyone else. When you move someone in with you, you have to be respectful of their needs and responsibilities as well as your own. He's very selfish, and I don't know if he will ever change. To top if all off he drove home wasted last night. I lost two close friends to drunk driving so it really makes me mad when he pulls that crap. I'm just so incredibly pissed right now. I don't want to break up with him, I'm done doing that, but I really wish he would look at things from my perspective. He's only concerned about how things affect him, not me.So, I'm going to take advice from my good friends, I'm going to put Emily in front of Kirk. I'm done cooking, cleaning, packing his lunches, and all the other domesticated shit that eats up all my time. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself. And since he doesn't want to have to "check in with anyone", I will show him the same respect in return. I will no longer pay attention to him when he's acting like a brat, because any attention is a reaction, and from now on I'm not reacting to him. I think in the long run that will piss him off more than me yelling at him (which is a reaction).
Girls, Girls, Girls...
April 29, 2008
Kirk is taking his friend, Victoria, out to dinner tonight because she is leaving the country for a few months. I know it shouldn't piss me off, but I really don't like her. She's flirty, touchy, and when I met her a few months ago she ignored me and just talked to Kirk. She would hang on him and tell me "You can't get jealous, we're friends" . Bitch, don't hang on him and then tell me not to get jealous, you're obviously doing something that would spark jealousy or you wouldn't say that. Just because you and Kirk used to be friends (which their friendship isn't that tight or he would hang out with her on a regular basis), doesn't give you the right to tell me what to do or how to act. If I'm jealous, I'm jealous. What really made me mad is that Kirk didn't invite me to go out to dinner with them, so it's just going to be the two of them. If she tries anything, anything at all, my next blog may be from prison because I will kill a bitch.
His ex, Emily (yea, weird, I know), has been calling/texting him the past few days. She probably doesn't know about me or that we are now living together, but it pisses me off that Kirk entertains this. She called Saturday when we were out of town and left a message saying that she was in Moore and wanted to drop by and say "Hi". Aw, too bad we were having an awesome time somewhere and you were stuck in Moore. Last night she texted him saying "Kirk I need to
talk to you. I'm putting the baby to bed, so call me later or I'll call you tomorrow...I miss u." You miss him? Don't try to "reminisce about the good old times" with my boyfriend. He doesn't love you, he loves me. You screwed everything up by being a cheating hoe-bag, so get over it already!
I'm sick of this jealous bullshit! I know he's not doing anything suspicious, if he was he wouldn't be dumb enough to tell me about all this stuff, he would try to hide it. Women can be scandalous hoes, believe me I know plenty of them. Bitches need to learn to respect other peoples relationships, and themselves. How pathetic are you that you're after someone that is in a committed relationship? Blows my mind. When I was single I always had a hands off policy when it comes to men that were in relationships, maybe it's just that I have morals, class, and a better upbringing. Whatever the case, bitches be warned, mess with the bull you get the horns (up the butt!) If he meets up with his ex (who obviously wants him back, I'm not a total idiot) I will move my crap out so fast his head will spin. Am I being crazy? Maybe a little. But he is not single anymore, why can't he tell these girls to back off? Maybe when he was he could get away with taking his SINGLE female friends out to dinner. I don't like him taking attractive females out to dinner without me, it makes me paranoid. I don't like ex girlfriends calling him either, that makes me double paranoid. So, here's a little advice for the sneaky bitches of the world…
If he wanted you he would call you, not the other way around. You don't hold a candle to me. I have bigger boobs and am obviously more compatable with Kirk than you, or you would be in my position. I'm loving, caring, and would bend over backwards for that man. Move along, you're out of your element.
Kirk is taking his friend, Victoria, out to dinner tonight because she is leaving the country for a few months. I know it shouldn't piss me off, but I really don't like her. She's flirty, touchy, and when I met her a few months ago she ignored me and just talked to Kirk. She would hang on him and tell me "You can't get jealous, we're friends" . Bitch, don't hang on him and then tell me not to get jealous, you're obviously doing something that would spark jealousy or you wouldn't say that. Just because you and Kirk used to be friends (which their friendship isn't that tight or he would hang out with her on a regular basis), doesn't give you the right to tell me what to do or how to act. If I'm jealous, I'm jealous. What really made me mad is that Kirk didn't invite me to go out to dinner with them, so it's just going to be the two of them. If she tries anything, anything at all, my next blog may be from prison because I will kill a bitch.
His ex, Emily (yea, weird, I know), has been calling/texting him the past few days. She probably doesn't know about me or that we are now living together, but it pisses me off that Kirk entertains this. She called Saturday when we were out of town and left a message saying that she was in Moore and wanted to drop by and say "Hi". Aw, too bad we were having an awesome time somewhere and you were stuck in Moore. Last night she texted him saying "Kirk I need to
talk to you. I'm putting the baby to bed, so call me later or I'll call you tomorrow...I miss u." You miss him? Don't try to "reminisce about the good old times" with my boyfriend. He doesn't love you, he loves me. You screwed everything up by being a cheating hoe-bag, so get over it already!I'm sick of this jealous bullshit! I know he's not doing anything suspicious, if he was he wouldn't be dumb enough to tell me about all this stuff, he would try to hide it. Women can be scandalous hoes, believe me I know plenty of them. Bitches need to learn to respect other peoples relationships, and themselves. How pathetic are you that you're after someone that is in a committed relationship? Blows my mind. When I was single I always had a hands off policy when it comes to men that were in relationships, maybe it's just that I have morals, class, and a better upbringing. Whatever the case, bitches be warned, mess with the bull you get the horns (up the butt!) If he meets up with his ex (who obviously wants him back, I'm not a total idiot) I will move my crap out so fast his head will spin. Am I being crazy? Maybe a little. But he is not single anymore, why can't he tell these girls to back off? Maybe when he was he could get away with taking his SINGLE female friends out to dinner. I don't like him taking attractive females out to dinner without me, it makes me paranoid. I don't like ex girlfriends calling him either, that makes me double paranoid. So, here's a little advice for the sneaky bitches of the world…
If he wanted you he would call you, not the other way around. You don't hold a candle to me. I have bigger boobs and am obviously more compatable with Kirk than you, or you would be in my position. I'm loving, caring, and would bend over backwards for that man. Move along, you're out of your element.
Sad Bastard Blog
March 26, 2008
In the past week:
I had oral surgery because of an "impacted molar" that was on its way to severing a nerve in my mouth that would make me lose all function on the right side of my face (or something like that). $200 and 6 days later, I'm still in pain. WTF? I've been perfect-no smoking, drinking lots of water, taking my meds, and using my oral rise, and still, here I am barley able to open my mouth all the way (keep your comments to yourself). I'm just tired and ready to be healed and back to normal (again, keep your comments to yourself). In conclusion, chipmunk cheeks are only cute on chipmunks, not me.
My oldest and dearest dog was put down. He was old and it was probably his time, but Jesus! I know that death is just a part of life and yadda yadda yadda, but he was my dog and now he's dead and I'll never see him again. And the best part is that I didn't get to say good-bye. My parents didn't tell me because they didn't want to "ruin my weekend". It ruined my month that I didn't get to say good bye to him. So thanks for that.
My mom went into the ER (twice) because of an allergic reaction to latex paint. I don't get a call because again they want to preserve the awesomeness that is my weekend. Let me break this down: if someone I love is in the hospital for whatever reason, CALL ME! It's easy.
On this same note, my dad cut himself and had to go to the ER and get 20 stitches in his leg, again, no phone call
I'm so behind in school it's ridiculous.
I'm moving. Which while the end result will be amazing, I actually have to physically move, which blows. I hate packing, I hate cleaning, and I hate lifting heavy things. I hate my apartment and current living situation and I'm ready to get the fuck outta dodge, but I hate the stress of having to move. When did I accumulate so much SHIT? Seriously, all I really need are clothes, makeup, hairdryer, jewelry, my laptop and my fish. Everything else can burn for all I care (knock on wood, cause that would actually suck, a lot)
And the cherry on top of a cake made of crap...
I have strep throat. I can't swallow without intense pain and discomfort due to the super sexy white pustules that have formed in the back of my throat and in the hole where they took out my impacted molar. I'm on antibiotics and I feel like complete butt.
I wish I could have a drink right about now, but considering that I can't swallow or drink alcohol because of my medication, I can't. Boo.
In the past week:
I had oral surgery because of an "impacted molar" that was on its way to severing a nerve in my mouth that would make me lose all function on the right side of my face (or something like that). $200 and 6 days later, I'm still in pain. WTF? I've been perfect-no smoking, drinking lots of water, taking my meds, and using my oral rise, and still, here I am barley able to open my mouth all the way (keep your comments to yourself). I'm just tired and ready to be healed and back to normal (again, keep your comments to yourself). In conclusion, chipmunk cheeks are only cute on chipmunks, not me.
My oldest and dearest dog was put down. He was old and it was probably his time, but Jesus! I know that death is just a part of life and yadda yadda yadda, but he was my dog and now he's dead and I'll never see him again. And the best part is that I didn't get to say good-bye. My parents didn't tell me because they didn't want to "ruin my weekend". It ruined my month that I didn't get to say good bye to him. So thanks for that.
My mom went into the ER (twice) because of an allergic reaction to latex paint. I don't get a call because again they want to preserve the awesomeness that is my weekend. Let me break this down: if someone I love is in the hospital for whatever reason, CALL ME! It's easy.
On this same note, my dad cut himself and had to go to the ER and get 20 stitches in his leg, again, no phone call
I'm so behind in school it's ridiculous.
I'm moving. Which while the end result will be amazing, I actually have to physically move, which blows. I hate packing, I hate cleaning, and I hate lifting heavy things. I hate my apartment and current living situation and I'm ready to get the fuck outta dodge, but I hate the stress of having to move. When did I accumulate so much SHIT? Seriously, all I really need are clothes, makeup, hairdryer, jewelry, my laptop and my fish. Everything else can burn for all I care (knock on wood, cause that would actually suck, a lot)
And the cherry on top of a cake made of crap...
I have strep throat. I can't swallow without intense pain and discomfort due to the super sexy white pustules that have formed in the back of my throat and in the hole where they took out my impacted molar. I'm on antibiotics and I feel like complete butt.
I wish I could have a drink right about now, but considering that I can't swallow or drink alcohol because of my medication, I can't. Boo.
An Analysis of Love and Hate
February 28, 2008
I. Executive summary:
I am happy in my relationship and everyone that doesn't agree with it can suck it.
II. Introduction:
Is Kirk a bastard at times? Yes. Am I an irrational and somewhat crazy bitch at times? Totally. Then what is it that makes the two of us work? This blog will explain the following: why I love him, why he loves me, and why everyone else who has a problem with our relationship can shove it straight up their butt pipe.
III. Analysis of Love and Hate:
I am one of the last true romantics. I follow my heart, and sometimes my heart gets broken, and I've also had to break a few along the way. That's just life. As some of you may or may not already know, I am back with my Kirk. He is my chosen person. He is my lobster (any Friends fans in the room?) I love this man more than can be described in words, but I will try anyways. To me, "love" is the chemical reaction that creates a tingly in the pants, butterfly tummy flip, lustful, dizzy-spinning sensation. Love evokes the feeling that you cannot possibly live without that other person. It's an all consuming emotion that rips at your gut and makes you want to blow chunks if you imagine them with someone else. Everyone has their own definition, that's mine. That's the way he makes me feel. That son of a bitch has made me cry more times than I can count, but he's also made me laugh more than any other person on the planet. I get Kirk. I'm one of the lucky few he's let in, and I feel blessed. Nothing he could ever do would make me hate him, and believe me he's tested that theory. Yes, he's an asshole sometimes, but he's my asshole.
Some may call me a sucker. That's fine, but this sucker is going to suck for one person and one person only. Kirk knows exactly what to say to me to make me realize that we're meant to be together. It took some time apart to really make me understand that he's the one. Suave? Yes. Charming and charismatic? Absolutely. Does that make me a sucker? Sure it does, and I'm okay with that. He tells me that I'm the person that he always imagined he'd be with. And while yes, he's been somewhat (okay, a lot) wishy-washy over the years, when it comes down to it, we both want the same things (babies, love, and all that other junk).
I. Executive summary:
I am happy in my relationship and everyone that doesn't agree with it can suck it.
II. Introduction:
Is Kirk a bastard at times? Yes. Am I an irrational and somewhat crazy bitch at times? Totally. Then what is it that makes the two of us work? This blog will explain the following: why I love him, why he loves me, and why everyone else who has a problem with our relationship can shove it straight up their butt pipe.
III. Analysis of Love and Hate:
I am one of the last true romantics. I follow my heart, and sometimes my heart gets broken, and I've also had to break a few along the way. That's just life. As some of you may or may not already know, I am back with my Kirk. He is my chosen person. He is my lobster (any Friends fans in the room?) I love this man more than can be described in words, but I will try anyways. To me, "love" is the chemical reaction that creates a tingly in the pants, butterfly tummy flip, lustful, dizzy-spinning sensation. Love evokes the feeling that you cannot possibly live without that other person. It's an all consuming emotion that rips at your gut and makes you want to blow chunks if you imagine them with someone else. Everyone has their own definition, that's mine. That's the way he makes me feel. That son of a bitch has made me cry more times than I can count, but he's also made me laugh more than any other person on the planet. I get Kirk. I'm one of the lucky few he's let in, and I feel blessed. Nothing he could ever do would make me hate him, and believe me he's tested that theory. Yes, he's an asshole sometimes, but he's my asshole.
Some may call me a sucker. That's fine, but this sucker is going to suck for one person and one person only. Kirk knows exactly what to say to me to make me realize that we're meant to be together. It took some time apart to really make me understand that he's the one. Suave? Yes. Charming and charismatic? Absolutely. Does that make me a sucker? Sure it does, and I'm okay with that. He tells me that I'm the person that he always imagined he'd be with. And while yes, he's been somewhat (okay, a lot) wishy-washy over the years, when it comes down to it, we both want the same things (babies, love, and all that other junk).
Kirk loves me because I raise not only his wang, but his intellect, imagination, and his ability to be who he is. My only goal is to help him be the person he wants to be. I take him as he is. I don't want to change him, he's just the right fit as he is. Besides, you could never change a man like Kirk, he's not a giant p-word like some dudes that are total pushovers. I have hurt people along the way, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry. I can say that 10 thousand times and won't become any less true. But the people I've met along the way have lead me to him, and for that I'm thankful.
I am Kirks girl. I'm forever his no matter what happens to us. I will always
be with him even if I can't physically be with him, which hopefully won't happen. No one will love him more than I do. No one will ever love me the way he does. Kirk is not like anyone I've ever met. He's kind, generous, and "salt of the Earth". He's the kind of man that would give you his last dollar if he had to, or the shirt off his back. There aren't strings with him. Kirk loves me for the person I am and not the person I could be. No matter what you think, you don't know US when we're together, you just know what you observe from the outside. He has is issues, so do I, but we work through them together because in the end, it's just us. So what if he bitches about my legs not being cleanly shaved, he happens to likes smooth legs! I like him without a mustache (which when he's got the pedastach he looks like "a dirty Mexican" in Tracy's opinion, which is actually funny because it's true) and I bitch about that, so what's the difference? It doesn't mean I love him any less, it's just a personal preference.Now that I have explained love, I will explain hate, or "haters" as I will be referring a person and not a feeling. A hater is someone that has intense animosity or dislike for something or someone. There are numerous reasons for a person to "hate" on someone. For instance, people may call me a hater because I think that Dane Cook is a cheese dick that deserves to be shot in the street and have his body ravaged by a pack of wild dogs (and hopefully I'm not alone on this one, because c'mon! that guys the epitome of douche-baggery). People "hate" on me for going back to Kirk. People "hate" on Kirk for being an ass to me. Well, I've made my decisio
n and everyone will just have to deal with that. If you have such strong opinions about our relationship and why I "deserve better" or "put up with too much crap from him" well, then you don't know me at all. I deserve to be happy, and Kirk makes me happy. When I'm not with him I'm a sad bastard. I turn into a figment of who I used to be when I'm away from him, I exist, but i don't feel like I'm alive. Nothing and noone can make me feel better. Only Kirk can put me together again. My parents aren't behind my decision to take back Kirk. My mom supports me because she's a nurturing caregiver and wants to be there for her child, but she isn't happy about it. My father is a little more difficult. He's your typical dad and sees Kirk as a pest that must be eradicated. At one point my mom told me that my dad was "cleaning his shotgun to go kill that son of a bitch!", which of course he wouldn't do because he's a rational person (and rational people avoid jail time if possible). I am more tenderhearted when it comes to my parents, so this is for them, this is what I have to say:
Mom and Dad:
I'm a 26 year old woman that is capable of paying her own bills, kicking butt it in school, and doing her own laundry. I am also capable of choosing who I spend my time with. I'm not stupid. If I thought this was a mistake I wouldn't get involved. I love you, but let me make my own decisions when it comes to matters of the heart. I've got to cut the cord sometime and that time is now. I'll be okay, and if not, I give you permission to take his balls.
To everyone else:
Screw off. I am not your business.
IV. Conclusion
Where I am is where I want to be. My decision is what's right for me. I'm not concerned about what's right for anyone else except for me and Kirk (and anyone else that doesn't piss me off on a regular basis). I have chosen my path, although rocky, it's still my path and I'll walk it the way I see fit. I will put up with a lot of bullshit from people that love me, but if you truly love me, you'll stay out of my way. So, in conclusion, I love Kirk and no one is going to change the way I feel.
Mom and Dad:
I'm a 26 year old woman that is capable of paying her own bills, kicking butt it in school, and doing her own laundry. I am also capable of choosing who I spend my time with. I'm not stupid. If I thought this was a mistake I wouldn't get involved. I love you, but let me make my own decisions when it comes to matters of the heart. I've got to cut the cord sometime and that time is now. I'll be okay, and if not, I give you permission to take his balls.
To everyone else:
Screw off. I am not your business.
IV. Conclusion
Where I am is where I want to be. My decision is what's right for me. I'm not concerned about what's right for anyone else except for me and Kirk (and anyone else that doesn't piss me off on a regular basis). I have chosen my path, although rocky, it's still my path and I'll walk it the way I see fit. I will put up with a lot of bullshit from people that love me, but if you truly love me, you'll stay out of my way. So, in conclusion, I love Kirk and no one is going to change the way I feel.
Shit List, Part Two
October 22, 2007
Not in any order of importance, I pretty much hate them all equally.
1.) Anyone that owns a Hummer.
You can be the nicest person in the entire world and I will still think you're a prick. As long as you own that vehicle, you have an automatic ticket to doucheville. I'm sure you have a tiny weiner, otherwise why do you need to over-compensate with a Hummer? If you're a girl and you date a guy that drives a Hummer, you're not the only chick he's screwing. Pretty sure that if he lets you drive his car it's only to shut your face while he bangs a stripper.
2.) The "Can I help the next person in line?" guy that's not the next person in line:
You're standing behind me in line at Walmart (I freaking loathe Walmart BTW). I've got my Dr. Pepper and Tylenol in my hand and you've got a cart full. When the clerk asks "Can I help the next person in line", you just assume she's talking to you. If you were any sort of decent human being you would just wait your turn and let me pay and get the hell out of this armpit of a store. But, no, you just trotted your selfish ass over to her as if I were invisible. I held my tongue this time (because I'm a giant P-word), but next time you will wait your turn or I will chop your nuts off and spoon feed them to you.
3.) Kirk's friend Heather:
I saw the text: "2 gurls wanting to party. U game?" that you sent to my boyfriend at 3:30 am. He doesn't want a dirty pune like you, he has opted for someone that has some class. I know you guys were "friends" back in the good old days, but that's not friendly behavior, that's a booty call. So in my book, you're a whore that I will be keeping my eye on. I've warned you once before, and I won't be warning you again.
4.) Lindsay Lohan:
You're just as bad as the twit I was previously talking about. Just because you have money and looks (which BTW, if you keep smoking, drinking, and coking it up will fade faster than your career) doesn't mean you can break up an engagement while you're bored in re-hab. Maybe if you kept your legs closed and your mouth shut you can salvage what's left of your sad existence.
5.) My upstairs neighbor:
What possesses you to use your ab roller at 5:30 am every morning directly above my bed? Is it because you've lost your mind? Well, maybe I can perform a lobotomy on you and find out. I'm going to steal your cat and boil it you sad little man.
6.) Cock-O-the Walk patrons and bar staff.
Thanks for being so caring and considerate when my best friend is having a seizure and we obviously need help getting her out of your shitty bar. Stopping and starring at us is a fantastic way to help. I hope you're treated with the same respect when it's your turn to be in a bad situation. A full house of frat guys and not one helping hand? I hope karma slams a fatty in your butt.
Not in any order of importance, I pretty much hate them all equally.
1.) Anyone that owns a Hummer.
You can be the nicest person in the entire world and I will still think you're a prick. As long as you own that vehicle, you have an automatic ticket to doucheville. I'm sure you have a tiny weiner, otherwise why do you need to over-compensate with a Hummer? If you're a girl and you date a guy that drives a Hummer, you're not the only chick he's screwing. Pretty sure that if he lets you drive his car it's only to shut your face while he bangs a stripper.
2.) The "Can I help the next person in line?" guy that's not the next person in line:
You're standing behind me in line at Walmart (I freaking loathe Walmart BTW). I've got my Dr. Pepper and Tylenol in my hand and you've got a cart full. When the clerk asks "Can I help the next person in line", you just assume she's talking to you. If you were any sort of decent human being you would just wait your turn and let me pay and get the hell out of this armpit of a store. But, no, you just trotted your selfish ass over to her as if I were invisible. I held my tongue this time (because I'm a giant P-word), but next time you will wait your turn or I will chop your nuts off and spoon feed them to you.
3.) Kirk's friend Heather:
I saw the text: "2 gurls wanting to party. U game?" that you sent to my boyfriend at 3:30 am. He doesn't want a dirty pune like you, he has opted for someone that has some class. I know you guys were "friends" back in the good old days, but that's not friendly behavior, that's a booty call. So in my book, you're a whore that I will be keeping my eye on. I've warned you once before, and I won't be warning you again.
4.) Lindsay Lohan:
You're just as bad as the twit I was previously talking about. Just because you have money and looks (which BTW, if you keep smoking, drinking, and coking it up will fade faster than your career) doesn't mean you can break up an engagement while you're bored in re-hab. Maybe if you kept your legs closed and your mouth shut you can salvage what's left of your sad existence.
5.) My upstairs neighbor:
What possesses you to use your ab roller at 5:30 am every morning directly above my bed? Is it because you've lost your mind? Well, maybe I can perform a lobotomy on you and find out. I'm going to steal your cat and boil it you sad little man.
6.) Cock-O-the Walk patrons and bar staff.
Thanks for being so caring and considerate when my best friend is having a seizure and we obviously need help getting her out of your shitty bar. Stopping and starring at us is a fantastic way to help. I hope you're treated with the same respect when it's your turn to be in a bad situation. A full house of frat guys and not one helping hand? I hope karma slams a fatty in your butt.
He Missed My 26th Birthday
October 9, 2007
It's my birthday today. BFD. 26 isn't a milestone or anything that requires extra attention. I don't need to be showered with love and affection and have people lick my toes or anything like that, but a phone call from the man that "loves me" would be nice. Seriously, 5:00 pm and not a peep from him? I called him last night to confirm the dinner plans we have with my parents tonight and he didn't answer so I left a sickeningly sweet message for him and he never returned my call. I'll be damned if I'm going to call him on my birthday and say, "Why haven't you called me yet, it's my birthday?" even though I'm whining about it here. I know I'm being a child and I need to grow some balls and blah blah blah, I realize all of this, but that doesn't change the fact that my boyfriend hasn't called me on my birthday. He has no excuse. He knows it's my birthday I talked about it all week. I know he's super busy with work right now, but a "Happy Birthday" phone call will take less than 5 minutes. Maybe he just thinks that he's seeing me tonight and that's good enough. Well guess what, it's not. I can yell at him about this and he can't get mad at me, you know why? IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! I know I'm being a total diva right now, but damn.
....
As a followup:
He never did call me, until 9pm when I was already eating with my parents and I tried numerous times to reach. I was upset (and crying at the dinner table), my parents were mad at him because he made me cry on my birthday, and my dinner was pretty much ruined. I did end up going over to his place afterwards. He did get me a gift, but he left it in the Walmart plastic sack with the recipt still in it. How thoughtful, you ran to Walmart at the last minute at 8:45 on my birthday (time and date ON the receipt, dumb ass) to get my present. The gift was nice, a Serius radio for my car, but he got him one too, so the shine was definitly taken off. This man has no clue.
It's my birthday today. BFD. 26 isn't a milestone or anything that requires extra attention. I don't need to be showered with love and affection and have people lick my toes or anything like that, but a phone call from the man that "loves me" would be nice. Seriously, 5:00 pm and not a peep from him? I called him last night to confirm the dinner plans we have with my parents tonight and he didn't answer so I left a sickeningly sweet message for him and he never returned my call. I'll be damned if I'm going to call him on my birthday and say, "Why haven't you called me yet, it's my birthday?" even though I'm whining about it here. I know I'm being a child and I need to grow some balls and blah blah blah, I realize all of this, but that doesn't change the fact that my boyfriend hasn't called me on my birthday. He has no excuse. He knows it's my birthday I talked about it all week. I know he's super busy with work right now, but a "Happy Birthday" phone call will take less than 5 minutes. Maybe he just thinks that he's seeing me tonight and that's good enough. Well guess what, it's not. I can yell at him about this and he can't get mad at me, you know why? IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! I know I'm being a total diva right now, but damn.
....
As a followup:
He never did call me, until 9pm when I was already eating with my parents and I tried numerous times to reach. I was upset (and crying at the dinner table), my parents were mad at him because he made me cry on my birthday, and my dinner was pretty much ruined. I did end up going over to his place afterwards. He did get me a gift, but he left it in the Walmart plastic sack with the recipt still in it. How thoughtful, you ran to Walmart at the last minute at 8:45 on my birthday (time and date ON the receipt, dumb ass) to get my present. The gift was nice, a Serius radio for my car, but he got him one too, so the shine was definitly taken off. This man has no clue.
Emily Makes a Porno
September 11, 2007
Kirk called me last night. This was not your typical "How was your day baby?" phone call that I'm used to. I could tell by the tone of his voice that something was wrong. I ask "You sound funny, are you O.K.?" and he says "No."
My first thought: someone died.
Second thought: He's breaking up with me.
Third thought: Did I leave my curling iron on and burn a hole in his couch, again?
Me: "You're freaking me out a bit sweetie, what's the problem?"
Kirk: "I'm going to ask you a question and you have to be completely honest with me. I found out something and I have proof so you can't lie about it."
Lump stars forming in my throat and my stomach drops into my butt.
Me: "Of course, ask me, I wouldn't lie baby." (which by the way is totally true, if I'm busted I'm busted. Call me crazy but I'm a believer in honesty and trust)
Kirk: "Have you ever been in a porn?"
Me: "Uh, no, I haven't. Why?"
Kirk: "I went to this armature porn site and I found a video of you. It's you, I'm positive. She sounds like you, acts like you, and looks like you. It's you."
Me: "Well, being as I'm 100% positive that I've never done amateur porn, or any porn for that matter, I'll humor you…where am I? Who am I with? Do I have any piercings or tattoos?" (which, btw, I don't)
Kirk: "It's on a bed. I can't really see your face but you have longer hair than you do now, it's really long like down to you butt. It's curly, and you still have your bangs. The guys a redheaded skinny fucker with an eyebrow ring. I can't watch this anymore, that's you. That's you! I can't believe this *sigh*"
Me: "Ok Kirk. A: last time my hair was that long was when I was in 11th grade-I was still a virgin at that point. B: Never dated a redheaded guy C: Never dated a guy with an eyebrow ring C: So put those two together, I've definitely never dated a redheaded guy with an eyebrow ring. Is there anything on her that would be a giveaway? Like piercings or tattoos?"
I'm getting rather irritated that I have to defend the fact that I DON'T DO AMATEUR PORN MOVIES to my boyfriend who should know me better than that by now.
Kirk: "She has a belly ring. Did you ever have a belly ring?"
Me: "No."
Kirk: "Oh, well, maybe this isn't you then. But it looks just like you, I still can't believe it. *pause* (in a whiny voice) Will you come over baby? I need you to watch this and ease my mind. I'm still freaked out. "
So I go over to his house and of course call my girls and tell them what a tard-o-delux my boyfriend is. I get there, and he gives me a big hug and is obviously upset about this whole thing (which is sweet that he cares so much but it's also a little icky). We sit down and he starts the video.
First of all, you can't even see her face, but I know right off that's it not me because:
My boobs are bigger (pah-leeze, you'd think of all people HE would know this) and not all pancaked out.
-My hips are bigger
-My hair isn't white-trash-perm-a-fried, kthnx.
-I don't have a naval ring, and she clearly does (close up cum shot on the belly proves this)
-She says really, really disgusting things that almost made me blush. He should know that's not me because I'm not a dirty pervert like she obviously is.
Me: "Seriously? No, but seriously? I'm leaving."
Kirk: "No, don't leave. I'm sorry, she just looks so much like you, and sounds like you, it was hard to watch."
He then lifts up my shirt and checks my belly button for a hole….
Me: "See baby? No hole. Not me. Can we go get something to eat now? You're definitely buying."
Kirk: "OK, sorry baby. I believe you. I was just freaking out because some dude was screwing my bababababy. *gives me a hug* I love my baby."
Me: "Aww, that's sweet…and weird."
I then proceed to email the URL to my girls, it's just too funny not to. It also makes me wonder how much porn he is watching if he comes across one of "me".
Boys...they should come with a manual.
Reasons Why We Shouldn't Move In Together
August 22, 2007
My "boyfriend" doesn't think we should move in together. Here are his cited reasons:
I've become "lazy"
Meaning I don't clean up after him every second. Excuse the piss out of me, I have my own apartment to clean, and then after a long stressful week at work I'm expected to clean up Kirks house, too? I clean his disgusting duplex all the damn time, he's just so messy that he trashes it as soon as it's clean. Over the week piles of crap just accumulates and then I have to start the process all over again. It's love when I clean the poop smears out of the toilet. It's love when I wash the sheets that smell like his grungy ass. It's love when I wash his skid-marked undies. I do all of this out of the kindness of my heart because I know he's extremely busy (and a man) and can't clean for himself. I don't mind doing this for him if I get a little appreciation when I'm done. I don't need a big song and dance, a simple "Thank you, baby!" will suffice. So, until you show appreciation and not expectation, you will have to pick up the cheeto you let fall down your shirt and onto the floor. You have two hands asshole, pick it up yourself.
He doesn't want someone controlling him
I have a hard enough time controlling myself, thank you very much. I would love to have the time to control you, but I don't.
I'm too crazy sometimes
Why, yes, I am in fact a female. Find me a chick that hasn't thrown a hissy fit for no good reason and I'll give her a fuckin' medal. And yes, I can use PMS as an excuse. When your uterous falls out you can too!
I'm putting too much pressure on him
To my recollection, it was him that asked me to move in, not the other way around
And finally… the pièce de résistance...
He doesn't want to "lose his freedom"
I sometimes forget that the world revolves around him. My sneaky plan to trap him failed and now I can't steal any more of his freedom. I have to find other ways to fill my time, now that I have no more freedom to steal. I guess I'll have to find someone else's freedom. Freedom? Anyone? Anyone? I'm looking for a little freedom to steal over here! Jeez, can't a girl just get a little bit of a mans freedom? Plzkthnx.
I mean c'mon, who wants a clean house, home cooked meals, and sex anytime you want it? Holy shit, that's sounds ridiculous! I would much rather have a dirty house, fast food everyday, and masturbate alone.
My "boyfriend" doesn't think we should move in together. Here are his cited reasons:
I've become "lazy"
Meaning I don't clean up after him every second. Excuse the piss out of me, I have my own apartment to clean, and then after a long stressful week at work I'm expected to clean up Kirks house, too? I clean his disgusting duplex all the damn time, he's just so messy that he trashes it as soon as it's clean. Over the week piles of crap just accumulates and then I have to start the process all over again. It's love when I clean the poop smears out of the toilet. It's love when I wash the sheets that smell like his grungy ass. It's love when I wash his skid-marked undies. I do all of this out of the kindness of my heart because I know he's extremely busy (and a man) and can't clean for himself. I don't mind doing this for him if I get a little appreciation when I'm done. I don't need a big song and dance, a simple "Thank you, baby!" will suffice. So, until you show appreciation and not expectation, you will have to pick up the cheeto you let fall down your shirt and onto the floor. You have two hands asshole, pick it up yourself.
He doesn't want someone controlling him
I have a hard enough time controlling myself, thank you very much. I would love to have the time to control you, but I don't.
I'm too crazy sometimes
Why, yes, I am in fact a female. Find me a chick that hasn't thrown a hissy fit for no good reason and I'll give her a fuckin' medal. And yes, I can use PMS as an excuse. When your uterous falls out you can too!
I'm putting too much pressure on him
To my recollection, it was him that asked me to move in, not the other way around
And finally… the pièce de résistance...
He doesn't want to "lose his freedom"
I sometimes forget that the world revolves around him. My sneaky plan to trap him failed and now I can't steal any more of his freedom. I have to find other ways to fill my time, now that I have no more freedom to steal. I guess I'll have to find someone else's freedom. Freedom? Anyone? Anyone? I'm looking for a little freedom to steal over here! Jeez, can't a girl just get a little bit of a mans freedom? Plzkthnx.
I mean c'mon, who wants a clean house, home cooked meals, and sex anytime you want it? Holy shit, that's sounds ridiculous! I would much rather have a dirty house, fast food everyday, and masturbate alone.
Only Child Syndrome
June 17, 2007
My friend Felina and I were discussing the differences between only children and the rest of the population. She and I both grew up in households where we were the center of the world to our parents, there weren't any siblings to get in the way of what we desired.
We came to these conclusions/realizations:
1.) We take things without asking (even now in adult-hood), because we never had to ask as children. If it looks good, and no one is around, it becomes ours. For example, I was putting on lip gloss and Felina said "Give it" and grabbed it out of my hand and put it on. This is a common trait in only children. I am guilty of the "Give it" mentality.
2.) We expect people to drop what they're doing to cater to us.
The other day I needed to get something out of the oven, and because I'm a weenie that can't do things for myself and expect others to do it for me (only child trait) I go to my boyfriend, Kirk, who was quietly sitting on the couch watching TV. I grab his arm, and say, "Get this out of the oven for me!". Not, "Will you please get this out of the oven for me?" I skip the please part because I expect him to stop what he's doing, get up, and do this without me having to sugar coat anything. He got angry and snapped "Stop pulling on my arm! I get sick of you always doing that!". I was taken back by this. How dare he say that I was doing something wrong! (another only child trait) And of course (in typical Emily fashion) I started crying and stammering something about him being a meanie (because only children don't take res
ponsibility for their actions).
3.) We think all eyes are on us.
If our boyfriends aren't paying attention to us we pout. If they look at other women we get upset, yell, or sulk. If people ignore us we find ways to get their attention (positve or negative). We feel that we should be the center of attention in every situation, and this is non-negotiable.
4.) If someone doesn't like us "They're just jealous!"
We think everything we have is the best, and everyone wants what we have. My car is better than your car. My hair is cuter, my boobs are bigger, and if given an option, people would choose to hang out with me over anyone else. We pretty much think we are better than everyone else, you can call it high self esteem if you want to, or snobby, either one, you're still jealous.
5.) We're selfish
In the bedroom, with our cookies, and with our money. High maintenance? Hell yes.
6.) We have an "I'm the shit" attitude and we don't care who knows it. I remind Kirk on a regular basis that I'm the shit and he'll never find a woman as good as me (because he won't). We always love stronger, party harder, are pretty much the best at everything we set our minds to, and we're sure to let everyone know this. Modesty isn't our top priority. We'll always "get over it" and "move on" because that's how we roll. We don't look back because it's "their loss".
My friend Felina and I were discussing the differences between only children and the rest of the population. She and I both grew up in households where we were the center of the world to our parents, there weren't any siblings to get in the way of what we desired.
We came to these conclusions/realizations:
1.) We take things without asking (even now in adult-hood), because we never had to ask as children. If it looks good, and no one is around, it becomes ours. For example, I was putting on lip gloss and Felina said "Give it" and grabbed it out of my hand and put it on. This is a common trait in only children. I am guilty of the "Give it" mentality.
2.) We expect people to drop what they're doing to cater to us.
The other day I needed to get something out of the oven, and because I'm a weenie that can't do things for myself and expect others to do it for me (only child trait) I go to my boyfriend, Kirk, who was quietly sitting on the couch watching TV. I grab his arm, and say, "Get this out of the oven for me!". Not, "Will you please get this out of the oven for me?" I skip the please part because I expect him to stop what he's doing, get up, and do this without me having to sugar coat anything. He got angry and snapped "Stop pulling on my arm! I get sick of you always doing that!". I was taken back by this. How dare he say that I was doing something wrong! (another only child trait) And of course (in typical Emily fashion) I started crying and stammering something about him being a meanie (because only children don't take res
ponsibility for their actions).3.) We think all eyes are on us.
If our boyfriends aren't paying attention to us we pout. If they look at other women we get upset, yell, or sulk. If people ignore us we find ways to get their attention (positve or negative). We feel that we should be the center of attention in every situation, and this is non-negotiable.
4.) If someone doesn't like us "They're just jealous!"
We think everything we have is the best, and everyone wants what we have. My car is better than your car. My hair is cuter, my boobs are bigger, and if given an option, people would choose to hang out with me over anyone else. We pretty much think we are better than everyone else, you can call it high self esteem if you want to, or snobby, either one, you're still jealous.
5.) We're selfish
In the bedroom, with our cookies, and with our money. High maintenance? Hell yes.
6.) We have an "I'm the shit" attitude and we don't care who knows it. I remind Kirk on a regular basis that I'm the shit and he'll never find a woman as good as me (because he won't). We always love stronger, party harder, are pretty much the best at everything we set our minds to, and we're sure to let everyone know this. Modesty isn't our top priority. We'll always "get over it" and "move on" because that's how we roll. We don't look back because it's "their loss".
The Original "Shit List"
June 12, 2007
Things and people that piss me off-not in any order of importance…..
1.) People that jay-walk and make ME slow down for THEM. Next time, I'm hitting your ass, throwing the car in reverse and backing up to finish the job. I bet you'll think twice about jay-walking after I take your legs.
2.) Mothers truckers throwing away my perfectly good cantaloupe because I accidentally left it in the fridge over the weekend. That was to be my breakfast on Monday morning. Who made you the president of the refrigerator?
3.) People that use big words to appear intelligent. Sometimes it's just thing, not a device or an apparatus, just a THING!! I know, device and apparatus aren't big words, but you get the idea.
4.) People that bitch about how uncomfortable their shoes are when THEY put them on in the first place. Are you stupid or something? I have NO sympathy.
5.)People that work at Walmart. It's not my fault you chose that as your job, so don't take it out on me. If you don' like it I'm sure McDonalds will hire you. And don't get me started on the "greeters". I don't care how old and cute they are, I will punch them in the face.
6.)McDonalds. What will attract kids to toxic crap in a box that you've disguised as a "happy meal"? How about a clown that doesn't have a weight problem and throw in a free toy. Hook em' young and they'll be fat forever. Nice.
7.)People that eat doughnuts, full-sugar soda, and deep fried everything, and then ask "do I look fat in these jeans?" Yes, you look fat in those jeans because YOU ARE FAT!!! Put down the French fries and pick up a dumbbell. Not that I have much room to talk here, I do have some junk in my trunk, but I don't complain about it, I'm trying to do something about it. THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE!
8.)PDA. I'm all for a little smooch, holding hands, and showing small gestures of affection in public, but then there's those grabby, sucking, dry humping horn dogs that have to prove they're so into each other. I hope you get crabs.
9.)People that smoke when you're trying to eat. I have a moral code that states "No smoking while people are eating, around small children and old people, and near a hospital." Have some class or I'll put that cigarette out in your eye ball.
10.)People that can't seem to find time out of their precious lives to put their god-damn cart back in the god-damn cart place at the god-damn grocery store. Some of us have a nice car that we don't want a big dent in the side of it because you're too god-damn lazy to return your god-damn cart. God-damn!
Things and people that piss me off-not in any order of importance…..
1.) People that jay-walk and make ME slow down for THEM. Next time, I'm hitting your ass, throwing the car in reverse and backing up to finish the job. I bet you'll think twice about jay-walking after I take your legs.
2.) Mothers truckers throwing away my perfectly good cantaloupe because I accidentally left it in the fridge over the weekend. That was to be my breakfast on Monday morning. Who made you the president of the refrigerator?
3.) People that use big words to appear intelligent. Sometimes it's just thing, not a device or an apparatus, just a THING!! I know, device and apparatus aren't big words, but you get the idea.
4.) People that bitch about how uncomfortable their shoes are when THEY put them on in the first place. Are you stupid or something? I have NO sympathy.
5.)People that work at Walmart. It's not my fault you chose that as your job, so don't take it out on me. If you don' like it I'm sure McDonalds will hire you. And don't get me started on the "greeters". I don't care how old and cute they are, I will punch them in the face.
6.)McDonalds. What will attract kids to toxic crap in a box that you've disguised as a "happy meal"? How about a clown that doesn't have a weight problem and throw in a free toy. Hook em' young and they'll be fat forever. Nice.
7.)People that eat doughnuts, full-sugar soda, and deep fried everything, and then ask "do I look fat in these jeans?" Yes, you look fat in those jeans because YOU ARE FAT!!! Put down the French fries and pick up a dumbbell. Not that I have much room to talk here, I do have some junk in my trunk, but I don't complain about it, I'm trying to do something about it. THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE!
8.)PDA. I'm all for a little smooch, holding hands, and showing small gestures of affection in public, but then there's those grabby, sucking, dry humping horn dogs that have to prove they're so into each other. I hope you get crabs.
9.)People that smoke when you're trying to eat. I have a moral code that states "No smoking while people are eating, around small children and old people, and near a hospital." Have some class or I'll put that cigarette out in your eye ball.
10.)People that can't seem to find time out of their precious lives to put their god-damn cart back in the god-damn cart place at the god-damn grocery store. Some of us have a nice car that we don't want a big dent in the side of it because you're too god-damn lazy to return your god-damn cart. God-damn!
When I was 25
July 5, 2007
My favorite color is yellow. I don't have any piercings or tattoos, while I enjoy them on others, they're not for me. I'm your typical 25 year old pseudo-yuppie. I like frappachinos and I drive a VW. I live in a tiny apartment in OKC (23rd street-kind of in the ghetto). I like any music that I can either dance or cry to. I'm laid back. I'm not religious or political in any way (although I vote democrat because my father will yell at me if I don't. I cry at sad movies and some commercials. I'm one of the last true romantics. I think with my heart and not my head. I'm not what you would call "street smart". I'm generally a happy person (hence why I'm not religious or political). I have a killer rack and an ass that won't quit. I'm a bit conceded. I have a temper, but it takes a lot to get mad. I want to enlarge my world and experience new places and new people. I want to enjoy what I have and not worry about what I don't have. I don't fully know who I am, but I'm getting closer every day. I want to build a life with someone that will hold my hair back when I'm throwing up, because that's true love. I'm pretty certain that I'm going to either die of cancer or in a car wreck that I caused. I've never broken any bones. I have a "thing" for chocolate. I like people and things that are bright and make me happy. I've never been one for self destruction or mutilation-let me put it this way, I don't have "issues". I'm traditional when it comes to the love stuff-one man one woman, marriage, kids, and then death. I like to drink but no matter what anyone says I'm not an alcoholic. A line from a movie that describes me best is "She can party like a man and make love like a woman". I wish I was British and not from Oklahoma. I don't like shoes or socks. I don't like to smell bad but I don't mind if my man has some body odor. I love Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, even though I'm as white as a white girl can be. My favorite food is Pho' (Vietnamese beef noodle soup), I could eat it all day every day. If you're not down with the beef noodle goodness then you're not down with me. I don't really understand what the war is all about. I'm infatuated with Jake Gylenhal and I loved Broke Back Mountain. I respect other people's views and opinions even if I don't agree with them. I have recently discovered that I do not like "metal", but again, I respect others opinions so to each his own. I have a major case of verbal diarrhea-and I can't remember shit. I don't have much self control. I'm always on time. I've been rockin the bangs since birth. My mood depends on my bangs, they're mood bangs. Chinese food makes me nauseated, even though I love it. I'm a napper through and through. If you can find someone that you can comfortably nap with you'll be happy forever. I wish I could say that I live each day like it's my last but I don't. In the evening I like to watch Friends, cook, and nap, not too exciting but it works for me. I love to play poker with my friends. I miss my Panera friends. Men are pretty much jerks. "Why buy the pig when all you want is a little sausage?" I don't trust men that wear pink.
My favorite color is yellow. I don't have any piercings or tattoos, while I enjoy them on others, they're not for me. I'm your typical 25 year old pseudo-yuppie. I like frappachinos and I drive a VW. I live in a tiny apartment in OKC (23rd street-kind of in the ghetto). I like any music that I can either dance or cry to. I'm laid back. I'm not religious or political in any way (although I vote democrat because my father will yell at me if I don't. I cry at sad movies and some commercials. I'm one of the last true romantics. I think with my heart and not my head. I'm not what you would call "street smart". I'm generally a happy person (hence why I'm not religious or political). I have a killer rack and an ass that won't quit. I'm a bit conceded. I have a temper, but it takes a lot to get mad. I want to enlarge my world and experience new places and new people. I want to enjoy what I have and not worry about what I don't have. I don't fully know who I am, but I'm getting closer every day. I want to build a life with someone that will hold my hair back when I'm throwing up, because that's true love. I'm pretty certain that I'm going to either die of cancer or in a car wreck that I caused. I've never broken any bones. I have a "thing" for chocolate. I like people and things that are bright and make me happy. I've never been one for self destruction or mutilation-let me put it this way, I don't have "issues". I'm traditional when it comes to the love stuff-one man one woman, marriage, kids, and then death. I like to drink but no matter what anyone says I'm not an alcoholic. A line from a movie that describes me best is "She can party like a man and make love like a woman". I wish I was British and not from Oklahoma. I don't like shoes or socks. I don't like to smell bad but I don't mind if my man has some body odor. I love Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, even though I'm as white as a white girl can be. My favorite food is Pho' (Vietnamese beef noodle soup), I could eat it all day every day. If you're not down with the beef noodle goodness then you're not down with me. I don't really understand what the war is all about. I'm infatuated with Jake Gylenhal and I loved Broke Back Mountain. I respect other people's views and opinions even if I don't agree with them. I have recently discovered that I do not like "metal", but again, I respect others opinions so to each his own. I have a major case of verbal diarrhea-and I can't remember shit. I don't have much self control. I'm always on time. I've been rockin the bangs since birth. My mood depends on my bangs, they're mood bangs. Chinese food makes me nauseated, even though I love it. I'm a napper through and through. If you can find someone that you can comfortably nap with you'll be happy forever. I wish I could say that I live each day like it's my last but I don't. In the evening I like to watch Friends, cook, and nap, not too exciting but it works for me. I love to play poker with my friends. I miss my Panera friends. Men are pretty much jerks. "Why buy the pig when all you want is a little sausage?" I don't trust men that wear pink.
Followup blog to "Just Dating"
March 13, 2007
So I avoided Kirk's calls for a few days, then talked to my parents and my dad (being old and wise) and he told me that I was being gamey and that men don't respond to that very well. He said that it's important to be straight-forward and to the point when interacting with a man, because they don't pick up on any hints you may be dropping or understand any games that you are trying to play with them, they just want the facts, ma'am. So, that's what I did. I told him everything that was bothering me: the Chrissy situation, lack of communication/commitment, and the ever important "just dating" statement. He assured me that he and Chrissy are just friends and that I was over-thinking the whole thing. Which, I have a tendency to do so I gave him that one (plus, Vodka was involved, so that night is a bit questionable on my part). When I talked to him about not opening up to me he said that I'm his longest relationship and wouldn't stay with me if he didn't care about me. I'll admit that I do go a little loco sometimes. I'm not all sugar, there's some spice mixed in. I told him that the Sheryl Crow song "Are you strong enough to be my man" should be my theme song some days. He says that it's hard for him to completely open up to me, but that he's working on it. And finally, I told him that the "just dating" comment had really hurt my feelings. His response was that he just meant that we weren't married yet and that he does consider us to be in a serious committed relationship. Kirk has a little bit of foot-in-mouth syndrome, and has trouble expressing himself. I understand that one completely, because I too suffer from FIMS.
So, everything is peachy keen in Emily/Kirk world, for now at least. We went to the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert last night and had a blast. He was being the sweet, affectionate, protective boyfriend that I know he can be. We'll get in fights and it will eventually work out, because he's worth the occasional frustration and headache. Everything that is meant to happen will. I can't be too eager or pushy, I need to learn how to just chill out and take everything day by day. Not everyone goes at the same pace, and if you don't want to loose your partner, you'll just have to learn to adjust your speed.
So I avoided Kirk's calls for a few days, then talked to my parents and my dad (being old and wise) and he told me that I was being gamey and that men don't respond to that very well. He said that it's important to be straight-forward and to the point when interacting with a man, because they don't pick up on any hints you may be dropping or understand any games that you are trying to play with them, they just want the facts, ma'am. So, that's what I did. I told him everything that was bothering me: the Chrissy situation, lack of communication/commitment, and the ever important "just dating" statement. He assured me that he and Chrissy are just friends and that I was over-thinking the whole thing. Which, I have a tendency to do so I gave him that one (plus, Vodka was involved, so that night is a bit questionable on my part). When I talked to him about not opening up to me he said that I'm his longest relationship and wouldn't stay with me if he didn't care about me. I'll admit that I do go a little loco sometimes. I'm not all sugar, there's some spice mixed in. I told him that the Sheryl Crow song "Are you strong enough to be my man" should be my theme song some days. He says that it's hard for him to completely open up to me, but that he's working on it. And finally, I told him that the "just dating" comment had really hurt my feelings. His response was that he just meant that we weren't married yet and that he does consider us to be in a serious committed relationship. Kirk has a little bit of foot-in-mouth syndrome, and has trouble expressing himself. I understand that one completely, because I too suffer from FIMS.
So, everything is peachy keen in Emily/Kirk world, for now at least. We went to the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert last night and had a blast. He was being the sweet, affectionate, protective boyfriend that I know he can be. We'll get in fights and it will eventually work out, because he's worth the occasional frustration and headache. Everything that is meant to happen will. I can't be too eager or pushy, I need to learn how to just chill out and take everything day by day. Not everyone goes at the same pace, and if you don't want to loose your partner, you'll just have to learn to adjust your speed.
"Just Dating"
March 6, 2007
I've been having some doubts about my "relationship" lately. I use quotes because this past Sunday Kirk said that we were just dating after a year and four months. Just dating. I'm getting ahead of myself, let me go back to Friday night…
Kirk had made plans for us to go to his friend Chrissy's birthday party. (mind you, I have never heard him mention this alleged Chrissy ever before, and according to Kirk they were all BFF and chummy back in the day) My first question to him (because I have a jealous streak, and I'm the first to admit that) "Is this an old girlfriend, or have you guys ever hooked up?" He says no and I believe him.
So we go to dinner, just Kirk and I, and we're drinking, talking and having a good time. I'm actually sick at this point, I'd had a nasty cold/fever all week, and the last thing I wanted to do was get out because I should have been at home resting, but because I'm a good girlfriend, I forced myself to suck it up and go along for the ride. Well, after Kirk and have dined, we go to Baker St. Bar in North OKC. I'd never been there, but I'm sure it was a yuppie bar that didn't interest me, but again, I'm a good girlfriend. We pull up and there's a line out the door (and it's like 37 degrees and I have a thin jacket on and I'm sick) so the last thing I want to do is wait outside. So we get out and get in line, about 15 minutes roll by and Chrissy texts Kirk-"Change of plans, we're going to Venue in Bricktown". I told Kirk to call her first to make sure she was there before we waited out in the cold, but he of course ignored me. I have snot running down my nose and my heel is starting to rub from my damn fancy shoes. This night is slowly turning sour.
We get to Venue after me ignoring him on the ride down there, and when we get there, SURPRISE! She's not there. It's smoky, but not crowded, so I'm OK to stay for a while. We get some drinks, sit down, and wait for her to show up.
I had dressed for a bar, not a club, so among the hoochie mommas wearing mini's and cleavage exposing-nothing tops, I'm sitting there in jeans and a long sleeved shirt that is not sexy in any way. So, I feel frumpy and unattractive, not to mention my nose is chapped and I look sick at this point.
So I'd say about an hour goes by and no Chrissy. I've been drinking and trying to keep Kirks eyes off the hoochies and in my direction. I start to question Kirk if we should leave, but he insists she will show up. She eventually does. First of all, I was introduced as "Emily", not "My girlfriend Emily", just "Emily". So, strike 1 for Kirk. She sits down next to him and they start to talk. Since I can't hear anything over the thudding base from the techno playing in the background, I don't know what they were talking about. But, he turned in a way that his back was to me, and he was facing her. Strike 2. He was awfully touchy with her, more so than he'd been with me the whole night. So I'm sitting by myself, no one to talk to, and I keep pouring the liquor down my throat. I text my BFF's to let them know how miserable I am, because when I can't smoke (because I don't want to chain smoke like 20 cigarettes in a row) I text, it's my other crutch when I'm uncomfortable. So, I go to the bathroom, and when I come back, Kirk and Chrissy aren't there. I sit and wait because the fool left our jackets sitting on the couch unattended-and finish my drink. I'd say about 15 minutes later Kirk and Chrissy come back and Kirk smells like tequila. Turns out he bought Chrissy and some other girls at the bar some shots (not her friends, they weren't there) and did he offer to get me one, or wave me over to partake in the festivities? No, he didn't. Strike 3. I'm plastered at this point, and sure that my speech is slurring. Chrissy goes to a bar across the street to get her friends that are over there to come to Venue. So I make uncomfortable conversation with Kirk, basically he's just telling me how cool she is and how she just started stripping.
Side note: A super tall hot girl walked by and I say to Kirk "That's the tallest woman I've ever seen" and he says, "I bought her a shot at the bar" and had a goofy smile on his face, like I'm supposed to high five him or something.
So, Chrissy texts Kirk and tells us to go to the club across the street. We go, and now my heel is rubbing so much it is starting to bleed. We tramp around the most foul club I've ever been to. Sticky floors, smoke, loud rap, hoochies flying left and right, absolutely disgusting. And SURPRISE! we can't find her anywhere. So, after Kirk makes three passes around the room, we leave. Did I mention that I'm drunk?
Of course in typical Emily fashion, I kept me feelings inside all night, then exploded on him when we got back to his house.
Vodka+Jealousy+Idiot Boyfriend=Hissy Fit.
I know that I should have kept my cool, but I was livid. I tried to explain in my drunken stupor all the things he had done tonight that had made me so pissed off. He just called me a psycho and went to bed. The f**ked up thing about this is that I actually apologized the next day for yelling at him. So, that was a bad night.
On Sunday, after we cooled down, I asked him where he thought this relationship was going. I feel that this was a valid question to be asked after a year and four months of being in an exclusive relationship. And he says "I don't know, we're just dating" Just dating? And he also states the ever-so-lovely "What do you want from me?" like I'm sucking out his life-force or something. Well, at this point I don't want anything from him.
I'm currently not taking his calls (it's only Tuesday, and the a-hole hasn't even called, but when he does I'm not taking it). If we're "just dating" he doesn't need to know what I'm doing every minute. I'm very bitter about this. I will have a follow-up blog with how things go through the week, because my fingers are tired and I want to go home now.
I have my head up my ass for putting up with that jerk.
I've been having some doubts about my "relationship" lately. I use quotes because this past Sunday Kirk said that we were just dating after a year and four months. Just dating. I'm getting ahead of myself, let me go back to Friday night…
Kirk had made plans for us to go to his friend Chrissy's birthday party. (mind you, I have never heard him mention this alleged Chrissy ever before, and according to Kirk they were all BFF and chummy back in the day) My first question to him (because I have a jealous streak, and I'm the first to admit that) "Is this an old girlfriend, or have you guys ever hooked up?" He says no and I believe him.
So we go to dinner, just Kirk and I, and we're drinking, talking and having a good time. I'm actually sick at this point, I'd had a nasty cold/fever all week, and the last thing I wanted to do was get out because I should have been at home resting, but because I'm a good girlfriend, I forced myself to suck it up and go along for the ride. Well, after Kirk and have dined, we go to Baker St. Bar in North OKC. I'd never been there, but I'm sure it was a yuppie bar that didn't interest me, but again, I'm a good girlfriend. We pull up and there's a line out the door (and it's like 37 degrees and I have a thin jacket on and I'm sick) so the last thing I want to do is wait outside. So we get out and get in line, about 15 minutes roll by and Chrissy texts Kirk-"Change of plans, we're going to Venue in Bricktown". I told Kirk to call her first to make sure she was there before we waited out in the cold, but he of course ignored me. I have snot running down my nose and my heel is starting to rub from my damn fancy shoes. This night is slowly turning sour.
We get to Venue after me ignoring him on the ride down there, and when we get there, SURPRISE! She's not there. It's smoky, but not crowded, so I'm OK to stay for a while. We get some drinks, sit down, and wait for her to show up.
I had dressed for a bar, not a club, so among the hoochie mommas wearing mini's and cleavage exposing-nothing tops, I'm sitting there in jeans and a long sleeved shirt that is not sexy in any way. So, I feel frumpy and unattractive, not to mention my nose is chapped and I look sick at this point.
So I'd say about an hour goes by and no Chrissy. I've been drinking and trying to keep Kirks eyes off the hoochies and in my direction. I start to question Kirk if we should leave, but he insists she will show up. She eventually does. First of all, I was introduced as "Emily", not "My girlfriend Emily", just "Emily". So, strike 1 for Kirk. She sits down next to him and they start to talk. Since I can't hear anything over the thudding base from the techno playing in the background, I don't know what they were talking about. But, he turned in a way that his back was to me, and he was facing her. Strike 2. He was awfully touchy with her, more so than he'd been with me the whole night. So I'm sitting by myself, no one to talk to, and I keep pouring the liquor down my throat. I text my BFF's to let them know how miserable I am, because when I can't smoke (because I don't want to chain smoke like 20 cigarettes in a row) I text, it's my other crutch when I'm uncomfortable. So, I go to the bathroom, and when I come back, Kirk and Chrissy aren't there. I sit and wait because the fool left our jackets sitting on the couch unattended-and finish my drink. I'd say about 15 minutes later Kirk and Chrissy come back and Kirk smells like tequila. Turns out he bought Chrissy and some other girls at the bar some shots (not her friends, they weren't there) and did he offer to get me one, or wave me over to partake in the festivities? No, he didn't. Strike 3. I'm plastered at this point, and sure that my speech is slurring. Chrissy goes to a bar across the street to get her friends that are over there to come to Venue. So I make uncomfortable conversation with Kirk, basically he's just telling me how cool she is and how she just started stripping.
Side note: A super tall hot girl walked by and I say to Kirk "That's the tallest woman I've ever seen" and he says, "I bought her a shot at the bar" and had a goofy smile on his face, like I'm supposed to high five him or something.
So, Chrissy texts Kirk and tells us to go to the club across the street. We go, and now my heel is rubbing so much it is starting to bleed. We tramp around the most foul club I've ever been to. Sticky floors, smoke, loud rap, hoochies flying left and right, absolutely disgusting. And SURPRISE! we can't find her anywhere. So, after Kirk makes three passes around the room, we leave. Did I mention that I'm drunk?
Of course in typical Emily fashion, I kept me feelings inside all night, then exploded on him when we got back to his house.
Vodka+Jealousy+Idiot Boyfriend=Hissy Fit.
I know that I should have kept my cool, but I was livid. I tried to explain in my drunken stupor all the things he had done tonight that had made me so pissed off. He just called me a psycho and went to bed. The f**ked up thing about this is that I actually apologized the next day for yelling at him. So, that was a bad night.
On Sunday, after we cooled down, I asked him where he thought this relationship was going. I feel that this was a valid question to be asked after a year and four months of being in an exclusive relationship. And he says "I don't know, we're just dating" Just dating? And he also states the ever-so-lovely "What do you want from me?" like I'm sucking out his life-force or something. Well, at this point I don't want anything from him.
I'm currently not taking his calls (it's only Tuesday, and the a-hole hasn't even called, but when he does I'm not taking it). If we're "just dating" he doesn't need to know what I'm doing every minute. I'm very bitter about this. I will have a follow-up blog with how things go through the week, because my fingers are tired and I want to go home now.
I have my head up my ass for putting up with that jerk.
Valentines Day 2007
February 15, 2007
Kirk came over around 7 and rang my door bell and when I answered he has an orchid in one hand and a fuzzy heart shaped pillow in the other (and he got a haircut!) He got me a Phalaenopsis orchid…
And he also got me a gift certificate to get a manicure/pedicure. He took me to La Baugette on the North Side OKC. It's nothing like the ones in Norman, it's an actual fru-fru, fancy, high-end French restaurant. We started with wine and lobster cakes which were so good I can't even describe them in words, only moans. We both got the roasted red pepper bisque, which was phenominal. I got the seared duck and parmesan risotto, and I can safely say I'm not a duck fan, but the risotto was scrumptious. We ended the meal with a chocolate heart shaped mouse cake for two. The owner gave me a red rose and said in a French accent "this is for de beautiful girl".
That was a great night. *swoon*
Kirk came over around 7 and rang my door bell and when I answered he has an orchid in one hand and a fuzzy heart shaped pillow in the other (and he got a haircut!) He got me a Phalaenopsis orchid…
And he also got me a gift certificate to get a manicure/pedicure. He took me to La Baugette on the North Side OKC. It's nothing like the ones in Norman, it's an actual fru-fru, fancy, high-end French restaurant. We started with wine and lobster cakes which were so good I can't even describe them in words, only moans. We both got the roasted red pepper bisque, which was phenominal. I got the seared duck and parmesan risotto, and I can safely say I'm not a duck fan, but the risotto was scrumptious. We ended the meal with a chocolate heart shaped mouse cake for two. The owner gave me a red rose and said in a French accent "this is for de beautiful girl".
That was a great night. *swoon*
Friends?
December 5, 2006
You think you know someone so well and that you can tell them everything, and one day they stop talking to you altogether because their boyfriend doesn't like you. There are two sides to every story, and you'll twist this to our mutual friends to make it appear that you did nothing wrong, because I honestly think that you still have no clue. I felt used and taken advantage of by you, and especially by your boyfriend.
A friend doesn't throw you away like you were a piece of garbage. A friend is there through thick and thin, regardless of what their boyfriend says about you. I have offered three "olive branches" to you, and you've chosen to ignore them. That's fine, it has just proven that evertyhing I'm saying in this blog is absolutely true. We had a fight, and I said some things I should have just kept to myself, even though they were all true. Sometimes the truth hurts, honey. If you keep shutting out everyone that has an opinion different than yours, you're not going to have anyone left. Some people just don't bend to your every whim, and you're going to be missing out on a lof of really terrific people.
I once thought you were independent and self motivated but I guess I was wrong. You let others influnce your behavior, and you can't look past the small things. You're what my dad likes to call a "fair-weather friend". If it gets a little messy, you bail. I am plauged with being a bit over-dramatic, but that's just WHO I AM, and I will never change. You can't change people no matter how hard you try. I've accepted the fact that you don't want me as a friend, but I think your motivations for that are absolutely absurd. So, in traditional Emily fashion...I don't need your friendship, you weren't that great of a friend to begin with.
You think you know someone so well and that you can tell them everything, and one day they stop talking to you altogether because their boyfriend doesn't like you. There are two sides to every story, and you'll twist this to our mutual friends to make it appear that you did nothing wrong, because I honestly think that you still have no clue. I felt used and taken advantage of by you, and especially by your boyfriend.
A friend doesn't throw you away like you were a piece of garbage. A friend is there through thick and thin, regardless of what their boyfriend says about you. I have offered three "olive branches" to you, and you've chosen to ignore them. That's fine, it has just proven that evertyhing I'm saying in this blog is absolutely true. We had a fight, and I said some things I should have just kept to myself, even though they were all true. Sometimes the truth hurts, honey. If you keep shutting out everyone that has an opinion different than yours, you're not going to have anyone left. Some people just don't bend to your every whim, and you're going to be missing out on a lof of really terrific people.
I once thought you were independent and self motivated but I guess I was wrong. You let others influnce your behavior, and you can't look past the small things. You're what my dad likes to call a "fair-weather friend". If it gets a little messy, you bail. I am plauged with being a bit over-dramatic, but that's just WHO I AM, and I will never change. You can't change people no matter how hard you try. I've accepted the fact that you don't want me as a friend, but I think your motivations for that are absolutely absurd. So, in traditional Emily fashion...I don't need your friendship, you weren't that great of a friend to begin with.
Boys Are Stupid
July 31, 2006
I love my boyfriend, Kirk. I really do. That's why it makes me so upset when he looks at other women. I know its a typical guy thing, they all do it and theres nothing that will stop it, its genetically encoded into their brains. But do they have to make it so obvious? No, they don't.
For example: Kirk and I were at his friend Greg's parents house on Friday night for Greg's birthday. It was fun, all Kirks friends were there, and I feel very comfortable around them. Well, Greg's sister was there, and she had a friend with her. Id never met them before. Well, they were both gorgeous, Im talking supermodel gorgeous. The friend was the cutest thing Id ever seen, blond with HUGE boobs, (bigger than mine, yea I know, that's pretty damn big) and she was skinny and perky and hell, I'd have sex with her if given the option. Well, Kirk basically stared at her with his tounge flapping out of his mouth. I don't know if I was just being paranoid or if he was seriously trying to check her out and hit on her when I was there. I was sitting with his friends the whole night while he was talking to her and Greg's sister (OK, I exaggerate, not the whole night, but a pretty long time) I mean, that's not even his friend, he should spend time with his friends, oh, and his loving girlfriend, not some girl he just met.
OK that was one example, another example is that when we are out at the mall or someplace, he checks girls out constantly. It gets really old, really fast. And when we watch TV or movies, he must comment on every hot girl with a "Damn, look at that" or a "Woah" or "Wow" or whatever stupid little expression that makes me turn red and want to hit him in the jaw. I can only take so much, I'm female, and I tend to be very dominant and possessive over my men. I don't know about other girls, but I like to mark my territory, kind of like a dog . If a girl checks him out and he does it right back, I will give her the "back off bitch or I'll slit your god-damn throat" look. I know, its a little harsh, but I'll be damned if some slutty whore is going to check out my man right in front of me. Those bitches are just lucky I'm not armed.
I'm normally pretty passive, you wouldnt think that reading this, but Kirk drives me bonkers. Why does he have to make it so obvious? Am I not enough? If he really thinks he can do better (which he cant because I'm pretty much the shit) I wish he would just break up with me and let me get on with my life. There's plenty of dudes out there that will love me and want to be with me the way I am and not blatantly make jackass comments and oogle other women right in front of me.
Kirk is actually really great 88% of the time. He takes me out for nice dinners, gets the bar tab, is affectionate, has a good job, and we have a great time together. He's a total package, except for this one issue I have with him. When he looks at other women like that, it makes me wonder whats wrong with myself. If I was skinner would he not do this? If I was cooler? Smarter? What do I have to do? If he wants to be with me, he will just have to take me as I am. I'm faithful, honest, loving, independent, and I have big boobs. I'm a freaking package, too. I wish he would stop acting like a horney teenager and realize what he has right in front of him. Ugh, what a doucheburger!
I love my boyfriend, Kirk. I really do. That's why it makes me so upset when he looks at other women. I know its a typical guy thing, they all do it and theres nothing that will stop it, its genetically encoded into their brains. But do they have to make it so obvious? No, they don't.
For example: Kirk and I were at his friend Greg's parents house on Friday night for Greg's birthday. It was fun, all Kirks friends were there, and I feel very comfortable around them. Well, Greg's sister was there, and she had a friend with her. Id never met them before. Well, they were both gorgeous, Im talking supermodel gorgeous. The friend was the cutest thing Id ever seen, blond with HUGE boobs, (bigger than mine, yea I know, that's pretty damn big) and she was skinny and perky and hell, I'd have sex with her if given the option. Well, Kirk basically stared at her with his tounge flapping out of his mouth. I don't know if I was just being paranoid or if he was seriously trying to check her out and hit on her when I was there. I was sitting with his friends the whole night while he was talking to her and Greg's sister (OK, I exaggerate, not the whole night, but a pretty long time) I mean, that's not even his friend, he should spend time with his friends, oh, and his loving girlfriend, not some girl he just met.
OK that was one example, another example is that when we are out at the mall or someplace, he checks girls out constantly. It gets really old, really fast. And when we watch TV or movies, he must comment on every hot girl with a "Damn, look at that" or a "Woah" or "Wow" or whatever stupid little expression that makes me turn red and want to hit him in the jaw. I can only take so much, I'm female, and I tend to be very dominant and possessive over my men. I don't know about other girls, but I like to mark my territory, kind of like a dog . If a girl checks him out and he does it right back, I will give her the "back off bitch or I'll slit your god-damn throat" look. I know, its a little harsh, but I'll be damned if some slutty whore is going to check out my man right in front of me. Those bitches are just lucky I'm not armed.
I'm normally pretty passive, you wouldnt think that reading this, but Kirk drives me bonkers. Why does he have to make it so obvious? Am I not enough? If he really thinks he can do better (which he cant because I'm pretty much the shit) I wish he would just break up with me and let me get on with my life. There's plenty of dudes out there that will love me and want to be with me the way I am and not blatantly make jackass comments and oogle other women right in front of me.
Kirk is actually really great 88% of the time. He takes me out for nice dinners, gets the bar tab, is affectionate, has a good job, and we have a great time together. He's a total package, except for this one issue I have with him. When he looks at other women like that, it makes me wonder whats wrong with myself. If I was skinner would he not do this? If I was cooler? Smarter? What do I have to do? If he wants to be with me, he will just have to take me as I am. I'm faithful, honest, loving, independent, and I have big boobs. I'm a freaking package, too. I wish he would stop acting like a horney teenager and realize what he has right in front of him. Ugh, what a doucheburger!
Ex-Boyfriend Ridiculousness
June 12, 2006
I know it's cliché to hate your ex, but this guy was a crazy SOB. He told so many lies that it got to a point where I would start to question everything that would come out of his mouth. Little things such as paying the electric bill.
Me: "Did you pay the electric bill?"
Him: "Yea, I took care of it".
Two weeks later, I would get a cut off notice in the mail. Stupid shit like that on a constant basis. He lied to my mother, which I didn't find out about this until recently. His broke ass wanted to buy me a digital camera for my b-day, so he borrowed money from my mom, unbeknownst to me. She told me that he would always have an excuse for not paying her back, so she just let it go. What kind of slime ball does something like that? Why didn't any of my friends pull me out of the hold he had on me? I was stupid and I couldn't see through the fog. I have friends that are in the same sort of situation, not exactly, but it's all you can do to give your two cents and that's all that can be done. When someone is in "love" they can't see it from anyone else's point of view. I know this first hand. What I thought was love was actually the fear of being by myself. I thought I couldn't do any better because I had some serious self esteem issues. Ok, so here's why I really hate him.
Jerred and I had maintained a friendly, how ya doin chit chat after the breakup, it took a while, but we got to that point. I had spent 3 years of early 20's with him, so I didn't want to file him away as someone I never wanted to see again. I thought friendship was possible, even if it was just on Myspace. Anyhow, this was going on for about 2 months when out of the clear blue sky he deletes me off his "friends" list without an explanation. I just figured it was an accident and I went on with my everyday life as I had been. Then a couple days later, he sends me a message calling me a slut and a whore. His reason for this irrational behavior is that someone sent him a video on myspace of me having sex with another guy. Now, if any of you truly know me you'd know that I'm about the most innocent and traditional person when it comes to sex-I wouldn't dream of doing anything of the sort (well, maybe dream about it, but never actually do it) So I started to wonder what the hell was going on? Did my current beau betray me and secretly video tape us in the physical act of love? Then I started to reflect on all the times that Jerred had lied straight to my face. This was some sort of sick ploy to lure me back in, I can't think of any other explanation for this behavior except pure irrationality and insanity. A few heated messages fly back and forth over this ordeal, and finally he admits he made the whole thing up so I would break up with my current boyfriend. I tell him that he is dead to me.
All this was a big, stressful headache of a mess, but the one thing he did that made me come unglued is that he made me question my current relationship. I love my boyfriend more than I know how to put into words, cheesy I know, but that's how I feel. Kirk is a challenge. He makes me nervous even after a year. I still get the butterflies and the tingling and the tummy flops and all of that. When I hear his special ring tone I get all giddy and sing along with it. I can't help it, he's amazing. We're alike and different in just the right areas to keep us on our toes. I wouldn't trade him for a million dollars.
My ex will die cold and alone because that's what happens to people like him. He's a con artist. He uses and abuses. He'll do whatever he can to make him seem like the one on top. If you see him, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction and don't look back. I don't care how much he pretends to be a good Christian man, he's the devil in disguise and he deserves to burn in hell. That's all I have to say about this.
I know it's cliché to hate your ex, but this guy was a crazy SOB. He told so many lies that it got to a point where I would start to question everything that would come out of his mouth. Little things such as paying the electric bill.
Me: "Did you pay the electric bill?"
Him: "Yea, I took care of it".
Two weeks later, I would get a cut off notice in the mail. Stupid shit like that on a constant basis. He lied to my mother, which I didn't find out about this until recently. His broke ass wanted to buy me a digital camera for my b-day, so he borrowed money from my mom, unbeknownst to me. She told me that he would always have an excuse for not paying her back, so she just let it go. What kind of slime ball does something like that? Why didn't any of my friends pull me out of the hold he had on me? I was stupid and I couldn't see through the fog. I have friends that are in the same sort of situation, not exactly, but it's all you can do to give your two cents and that's all that can be done. When someone is in "love" they can't see it from anyone else's point of view. I know this first hand. What I thought was love was actually the fear of being by myself. I thought I couldn't do any better because I had some serious self esteem issues. Ok, so here's why I really hate him.
Jerred and I had maintained a friendly, how ya doin chit chat after the breakup, it took a while, but we got to that point. I had spent 3 years of early 20's with him, so I didn't want to file him away as someone I never wanted to see again. I thought friendship was possible, even if it was just on Myspace. Anyhow, this was going on for about 2 months when out of the clear blue sky he deletes me off his "friends" list without an explanation. I just figured it was an accident and I went on with my everyday life as I had been. Then a couple days later, he sends me a message calling me a slut and a whore. His reason for this irrational behavior is that someone sent him a video on myspace of me having sex with another guy. Now, if any of you truly know me you'd know that I'm about the most innocent and traditional person when it comes to sex-I wouldn't dream of doing anything of the sort (well, maybe dream about it, but never actually do it) So I started to wonder what the hell was going on? Did my current beau betray me and secretly video tape us in the physical act of love? Then I started to reflect on all the times that Jerred had lied straight to my face. This was some sort of sick ploy to lure me back in, I can't think of any other explanation for this behavior except pure irrationality and insanity. A few heated messages fly back and forth over this ordeal, and finally he admits he made the whole thing up so I would break up with my current boyfriend. I tell him that he is dead to me.
All this was a big, stressful headache of a mess, but the one thing he did that made me come unglued is that he made me question my current relationship. I love my boyfriend more than I know how to put into words, cheesy I know, but that's how I feel. Kirk is a challenge. He makes me nervous even after a year. I still get the butterflies and the tingling and the tummy flops and all of that. When I hear his special ring tone I get all giddy and sing along with it. I can't help it, he's amazing. We're alike and different in just the right areas to keep us on our toes. I wouldn't trade him for a million dollars.
My ex will die cold and alone because that's what happens to people like him. He's a con artist. He uses and abuses. He'll do whatever he can to make him seem like the one on top. If you see him, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction and don't look back. I don't care how much he pretends to be a good Christian man, he's the devil in disguise and he deserves to burn in hell. That's all I have to say about this.
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